Abandonment Victim or Victor

Break-ups are the hardest, especially if you are the one who gets dumped and you still love them. Abandonment can make you feel like a victim.
The person who once loved you has deserted that love and you. Your ego gets hit by a truck, doubt and insecurities plague your mind, and the tears make a river.
You go throw stages of shock, denial, betrayal, blame, anger, depression, and acceptance before you move on.
Shock- This isn’t happening! This can’t happen! You feel devastated that they left you and you can’t comprehend it.
Denial- If you still love them then they must still love you and you don’t want to accept it since you want to fight to keep that love.
Betrayal- You trusted this person with your heart and your feelings and they have disregarded it and the things they told you turn out to be false.
Blame- You blame yourself for this and that or not being this and that, you blame them, your cat, your house, your job, and you blame everything in the world.
Anger- You hate them for being so selfish and not caring about you and wanting to fight for the relationship. You want to hurt them the same way they have hurt you. But as a friend once told me “The best revenge is to live a better life.”
Depression- You cry, you feel lonely, and nothing can cheer you up.
Acceptance- They won’t take you back, you lost a love, that chapter is closed forever and you come to terms with it.
Moving on- You never thought it could be done but eventually you have gotten back up and have moved on.
The road is rocky and hard but you need to go through those emotions to move on. So how do you become the victor and not the victim? Dump the mentality that haunts you by making positive strides and changes.
You are not alone and you are not the first one to be duped by someone who professed their love.
Refocus the blame. Seeking answers as to why and how to get closure may hinder your ability to move past the breakup and can expose lies that end up hurting you more. Staying too invested in the who, what, where, and why of the break-up will prevent you from moving on. Drop all blame, no one is to blame, we are who we are and that shouldn’t be a fault.
Express your anger constructively. It’s ok to feel unresolved anger about the how and why when a relationship ends because it can help you move on. To deal with it in a healthy way write a journal or exercise or read!
Take a step back and pretend it happened to someone else, go over what happened, explain it, observe the mistakes, which signs you picked up on and what signs you ignored, drop the blame, learn from it, and move on.
Ask yourself these questions: How did they treat you? Was there a balance with the good and bad or was there more bad than good? Where you more frustrated/stressed and sad than happy? Ask yourself how can you love someone who was selfish enough to leave you and not care about how you felt? If they have trashed your feelings and made you feel worthless then how can you love someone that did that? After all that is said and done, do you respect them? Most likely not so ask yourself how can you love someone you don’t respect?
After reflecting on it by seeing it from another point of view you can now see the signs that you chose to ignore and see the problems and telling yourself no one is to blame, you will move on.
Analyze who you were before you met them, did you change? Was it for the better or for the worst? For most we try to change for them and it’s usually not a change for the better. “To know your partner is wise. To know yourself is enlightened.” Dr. Gilda.
Before you decide to commit to someone make sure you have established an individual identity. It usually continues through 25-28 years to establish. It makes it hard to pick a partner when you don’t even know yourself yet. Take the time to be independent, have goals and needs. Go through many experiences to grow and learn. Wait until you have developed your identity and life goals before picking a mate.
If you forget why they left you or why the relationship ended get confirmation from family and friends. They don’t forget and are usually happy to remind you why it didn’t and couldn’t work out ever.
Forge new memories and visit new places. Going back to places that hold memories of you two makes it harder to move on. Focus on what’s going on in your life now and create an exciting future!
If you are still hurting and feel like you can’t trust anyone take time to get to know yourself again and learn to trust yourself again by making better choices. Become that awesome person you were before you met them and not be the awful person they think you are. They aren’t worth crying over!
With time and help you will come out the victor and the better person.
“Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.” Confucius
“When one door closes another opens. But often we look so long so regretfully upon the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.” Helen Keller
I would highly recommend you read How to Stop Worrying and Start Living and How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie,and Gods in EveryMan by Jean Shinoda Bolen.
*Breaking-up is hard, I still might not be the one who can do it, but getting over a break-up that is easy. I went from 2years with my 1st love, to 8months with my 2nd and now I have it down to a science of 2months from my last love. And I am happier and more satisfied then I ever been. I am a victor and a better person.*

An Intro about Relationships

To have a good relationship give 90% and look to only receive 10% back. That way there is no disappointment and you create good karma. A relationship is a solid partnership in which they both sill have separate identities.
Affirmations:
Be prepared to listen.
Enjoy the relationship and add to its richness.
Always respect the other’s point of view.
Understand the importance of talking & communicate freely.
As the relationship develops you should gain added confidence.
Treat people as you would want to be treated.
Tolerance is vital in a relationship.
Everything happens for a reason.

“I judge people by their own principles, not my own.” MLKing
“When you are good to others, you are best to yourself.” Ben Franklin

Unsure

Since I am not sure how to make this uniform like and group things together since some topics can stand out on their own and some that just don't know where to place them. So this might be kind of back and forth blog about each topic. I would have liked to have more things together and just have it fit under some major topics but I'm really not sure where to really start. So this might be kind of random, but oh well, since it will match how my brain thinks. I am going to try my best to not have things fall under gender specific's since in my research and experience both genders can be the same about certain things.
I do hope these topics will inspire you to be better and strive for the best and make you feel better as it has done for me.

By Webster’s Definition

First I will define by Webster Dictionary some of the topics I shall be talking about here:
Relationship is a specific instance or type of kinship, a romantic or passionate attachment, the state of being related or interrelated.
Love is a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties, affection based on admiration or common interests, warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion, the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration, to hold dear. Love is a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person.
*I know there are many more things that can define what a relationship and love is, it has many forms and there are different beliefs about it, they are both hard and confusing, I will talk about it more later and define it by my beliefs (from what I have gathered from articles and reading). And since people can mistake lust as love:
Lust is an inordinate craving for the flesh of another, intense or unbridled sexual desire, to have intense desire or need for something, an intense longing.

References

Since I have gathered information from other places than my head I would like you to know where I got some of my points from, so here are my references:)

How to Be Single in a Couples World by Jennifer Benjamin
Ace Your Coffee Date by Kimberly Dawn Neumann
10 Love Lessons Across the US by TB Lynam
A 99-Cent Dating Experiment by Mark Miller
I’m Her “Worst Date Ever” By Michael Kramer
When Should You Sleep with Him? by Penny Wrenn
Ten Dating Red Flags in Marie Claire
First Date Signs He’s A Keeper by Lisa Lombardi
She’s a Keeper by Kristin Bailey Murphy
His Deal-Breakers… and Sealers by Will Scott
Her Deal-Breakers…and Sealers by Amy Spencer
Why Guys Marry Some Girls (but not Others) By Beth Whiffen
Dating: “My Secret, Painful Past” by Stella Scott
How to Turn Lust into Love by Lisa Lombardi
Crucial Characteristics of Lasting Love by Dee Anne Merriman
When Your Guy Annoys You… by Victoria Lucia
Should You Move in with Your Guy by Molly Triffin
How to Defuse Your Differences by the Editors of Men’s Health
Six Things to Ask Yourself Before You Say “I Do” from MSN Today & The Knot
8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage by Yolanda Gault Caviness
Go To Bed Angry! 5 New Marriage Rules by Sarah Mahoney
The 7 Steps to Happily Ever After by Marjorie Ingall
How to Get Through to Your Guy by Nili Sachs, Ph.D.
Love Lessons from Dogs by Chelsea Kaplan
Piccadilly The System Journals

Be More Daring by Sally Koslow
Send Your Baggage Packing by Chelsea Kaplan
Ask Dr. Gild: “He Lied About His Past.” by Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D.
Ask Dr. Gild: My Husband Deserted Me by Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D.
I Couldn’t Stop Crying by Nancy Angiello

Ex Encounters of the Best Kind/4 Ways to Handle an Ex by Nicole Kristal

Can't Quite Your Ex? How to Say Goodbye for Good by Dr. Laura Berman

My Frist Love...Revisited reprinted by Hearst Communications INC

Defuse Your Differences by the Editors of Men’s Health
Six Things to Ask Yourself before You Say “I Do” from Today and The Knot
8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage by Ylonda Gault Caviness
Go To Bed Angry! 5 New Marriage Rules by Sarah Mahoney

The 7 Steps to Happily Ever After by Marjorie Ingall

Why Men Secretly Love Being Married by Married Jake

Signs Your Spouse is Lying by The Nest Editors

His Dating Diary: 9 Signs Your Guy is Cheating by Rich Santos
Is She Cheating? By Steve Calechman for Men’s Health

Women: How to Pick Your Battles reprinted by Hearst Communications

30 Days to a Happier Life by Charlotte Latvala

Intro to My Blog

Hello, good day to you!
I hope you are well. If not then do not worry you’ve come to the right blog. I wanted to start this blog to help people since after so many heart breaks learning and growing from each I want to be able to share my thoughts and beliefs in hopes to enrich your life and help you through it all.

I am a 25yr old living in Washington. I am a realist first with a pinch of idealism. I am a person that follows my own path. My faith is with God, for he is my Lord and Savior. I am an optimistic with lots of curiosity. My mind is always wondering and pondering things. From what others believe to what I believe, I like to keep my mind open so I can change, grow and learn.

My first love was a Poseidon archetype, my second love was the Hades archetype and my last love was the Zeus archetype. With each one I choose to ignore the red flags that screamed he wasn't the one and I just looked at the signs that told me he was the one. Even though I tried braking up with each, I always took them back since I had put there feelings before mine and in the end it was them who dumped me without a care to how I felt. I have been in love and I have fallen victim to lust and I have learned the difference between them.

I have learned to take a step back each time I have fallen to reflect on what happened and picked myself up to try again. I had reached out for answers through psychology and reading many articles on MSN about love/relationships/happiness/etc, and it has inspired me to strive to be better. So now I have learned, I have grown, and I have changed for the better and I will change my life.

Now my outlook on life is to enjoy it and not worry. Things happen for a reason and you can turn a negative into a positive. Next time I will pay attention and not fall into being a vulnerable dithering moron. I will get what I deserve for I do deserve it.

Strive to be the best you! So now I just want to be able to help people and bless those around me.
So if you are heart broken and confused, do not worry about what others think, read and get an idea of how many people think differently. There is no right or wrong. Make up your own beliefs and principles and take pride in that.

Learn about what you want and how you can hold on to it. Remember that you are not the only one going through this, I have been there heartbroken and confused wondering who was right and who was wrong and being told that I was wrong.

Through my research I have found out that I am not wrong, no one is wrong, we just have a different view and that’s ok. Yes there are some parts that it should be obvious that there might be a wrong and right based on studies. So I take both sides into account and make up what I think is right based on what I feel is to be right. To each their own, live and let live.

“Do what you feel in your heart is to be right, for you’ll be criticized, anyway. You’ll be ‘damned if you do, and damned if you don’t’” Eleanor Roosevelt.

I do hope the best for you and I do hope you find what you are looking for. I also hope you enjoy my blog and I hope I do get some feedback, just keep in mind what I’ve said. I hope I can inspire you to live a happy life and strive for the best!

Take care, DM Selstead