Abandonment Victim or Victor

Break-ups are the hardest, especially if you are the one who gets dumped and you still love them. Abandonment can make you feel like a victim.
The person who once loved you has deserted that love and you. Your ego gets hit by a truck, doubt and insecurities plague your mind, and the tears make a river.
You go throw stages of shock, denial, betrayal, blame, anger, depression, and acceptance before you move on.
Shock- This isn’t happening! This can’t happen! You feel devastated that they left you and you can’t comprehend it.
Denial- If you still love them then they must still love you and you don’t want to accept it since you want to fight to keep that love.
Betrayal- You trusted this person with your heart and your feelings and they have disregarded it and the things they told you turn out to be false.
Blame- You blame yourself for this and that or not being this and that, you blame them, your cat, your house, your job, and you blame everything in the world.
Anger- You hate them for being so selfish and not caring about you and wanting to fight for the relationship. You want to hurt them the same way they have hurt you. But as a friend once told me “The best revenge is to live a better life.”
Depression- You cry, you feel lonely, and nothing can cheer you up.
Acceptance- They won’t take you back, you lost a love, that chapter is closed forever and you come to terms with it.
Moving on- You never thought it could be done but eventually you have gotten back up and have moved on.
The road is rocky and hard but you need to go through those emotions to move on. So how do you become the victor and not the victim? Dump the mentality that haunts you by making positive strides and changes.
You are not alone and you are not the first one to be duped by someone who professed their love.
Refocus the blame. Seeking answers as to why and how to get closure may hinder your ability to move past the breakup and can expose lies that end up hurting you more. Staying too invested in the who, what, where, and why of the break-up will prevent you from moving on. Drop all blame, no one is to blame, we are who we are and that shouldn’t be a fault.
Express your anger constructively. It’s ok to feel unresolved anger about the how and why when a relationship ends because it can help you move on. To deal with it in a healthy way write a journal or exercise or read!
Take a step back and pretend it happened to someone else, go over what happened, explain it, observe the mistakes, which signs you picked up on and what signs you ignored, drop the blame, learn from it, and move on.
Ask yourself these questions: How did they treat you? Was there a balance with the good and bad or was there more bad than good? Where you more frustrated/stressed and sad than happy? Ask yourself how can you love someone who was selfish enough to leave you and not care about how you felt? If they have trashed your feelings and made you feel worthless then how can you love someone that did that? After all that is said and done, do you respect them? Most likely not so ask yourself how can you love someone you don’t respect?
After reflecting on it by seeing it from another point of view you can now see the signs that you chose to ignore and see the problems and telling yourself no one is to blame, you will move on.
Analyze who you were before you met them, did you change? Was it for the better or for the worst? For most we try to change for them and it’s usually not a change for the better. “To know your partner is wise. To know yourself is enlightened.” Dr. Gilda.
Before you decide to commit to someone make sure you have established an individual identity. It usually continues through 25-28 years to establish. It makes it hard to pick a partner when you don’t even know yourself yet. Take the time to be independent, have goals and needs. Go through many experiences to grow and learn. Wait until you have developed your identity and life goals before picking a mate.
If you forget why they left you or why the relationship ended get confirmation from family and friends. They don’t forget and are usually happy to remind you why it didn’t and couldn’t work out ever.
Forge new memories and visit new places. Going back to places that hold memories of you two makes it harder to move on. Focus on what’s going on in your life now and create an exciting future!
If you are still hurting and feel like you can’t trust anyone take time to get to know yourself again and learn to trust yourself again by making better choices. Become that awesome person you were before you met them and not be the awful person they think you are. They aren’t worth crying over!
With time and help you will come out the victor and the better person.
“Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.” Confucius
“When one door closes another opens. But often we look so long so regretfully upon the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.” Helen Keller
I would highly recommend you read How to Stop Worrying and Start Living and How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie,and Gods in EveryMan by Jean Shinoda Bolen.
*Breaking-up is hard, I still might not be the one who can do it, but getting over a break-up that is easy. I went from 2years with my 1st love, to 8months with my 2nd and now I have it down to a science of 2months from my last love. And I am happier and more satisfied then I ever been. I am a victor and a better person.*