They aren't called red flags for nothing, red means STOP!
If things get serious, remember: Actions speak Louder than Words.
From the little things to the big things: signs you need to dump your relationship.
1) You are the last to know about exciting or bad news. If you are important to them you should be among the first to know.
2) They avoid meeting you family or friends. They should want to meet the people most important to you. Do not shrug it off as being shy, there are deeper problems there.
3) They don’t make sacrifices or compromises. Not the bending over backwards kind, just make sure each other is happy in the selfless union.
4) You can’t picture them in your future. Not seeing them being with you in what you life to do is not a happy ending.
5) They are too controlling. From telling you who you can or cannot see or what you can or cannot wear to little things like having their way
6) They ignore your feelings and just want to focus on how they feel. They treat your feelings like they don’t matter. Your partner should care about how you feel; they should put your feelings above theirs, and treat them as their own.
7) They have no confidence in you. They may treat you like a baby and don’t think you can do things on your own. If you can take care of yourself and you are confident in yourself then it’s hard to keep that when your partner doesn’t respect and acknowledge that and it can wear you down.
8) They criticize you or belittle you or hit you. Even if it is in a joking way, there is always some truth behind jokes, and it is not cool. It’s an exercise of possessiveness, control and ego. Abuse if not an acceptable expression of love.
9) They talk about plans that don’t involve you. Ok if it is a night with just the pals (girls/boys-night only). Vacations, events, social gatherings, etc, should include you if you are important, if not then they don’t see you in their future.
10) Your friends and family don’t like them. They know you best and they aren’t wearing the love goggles so they see things that you maybe blind to see.
11) They violated your trust. Cheating or lying they got caught in it, you might forgive them but you can’t forget it. It’ll be hard to regain the trust, usually once they lose it they can never get it back.
12) Unbalance dating. Relationships are fun when you both are able to contribute. It can fizzle out if only one of you is the only one coming up with fun things to do.
13) They act like they are above other; they will treat you, your family, and your profession as beneath them.
14) They take calls during a date, show that you aren’t a priority and may com in second.
15) His mom is their #1girl, if he brags about her and vacation together, you will have an intrusive mother in law.
16) They talk about how much things cost, it usually means they are insecure. They are either cheap or show offs that are insecure or shallow.
17) Their eye wanders to others or make comments/remarks that another person is hot. If they keep looking at the eye-candy it shows no respect for you and that they are shallow and judgmental.
18) You don’t laugh at the same things or get each other’s jokes. Not being able to laugh through life together can get dull.
19) They don’t allow you to follow your passion/hobbies/interests/ambitions. Life becomes dull without those and you will become less happy with them, yourself, and life. It is immature if they can’t handle separation or workout a way to enjoy it with you.
20) They don’t accept you for who you. Usually happens if you don’t have trait their ex had that you don’t, if they mention it then it usually means they are comparing you to them and you can not stack up to their ex and they are still wanting their ex and you just won’t ever be good enough, even if they mention how great it is that you have a trait they wanted that the ex didn’t have. It’s a box and no happy endings when there is a box you have to fit into.
21) They are dram prone and are high maintenance. If they act extreme or freak out it’s a sign of insecurity. If they expect too much then it’s a sign that material goods are more important than emotional bonding.
22) They remind you of your parents and make you feel like a teenager that can’t take care of yourself. If you live on your own then you know how bad that it, no one wants a parent as a spouse.
23) They carry more emotional baggage than you. Most likely they will start expecting you to help carry that extra baggage. Double Red flag: they ignore yours and never care to help you with your extra baggage.
24) They bring out the worst in you; someone who does that doesn’t have your best interest.
25) They get easily jealous, it shows that they are insecure and untrusting, not a good thing in relationship.
26) They want you to give up all you have established and move away from friends and family just to be with them.
27) They think that you are their world; they depend on you for fulfillment, saying that they will die without you. It is a weakness and you should want a partner that can live without you.
28) They always have to be right and always have to win arguments. They can’t save face and let it go, that has a tendency to lose people’s respect.
29) They try to change you and pressure you to “improve” yourself. There’s a lot of stress with that. Don’t think you need to change for someone, don’t change for someone, if you decide to change or improve yourself make sure it’s for you only. For there is no happy ending when you change for someone.
30) They become angry, vengeful, knight-in-shining-armor when you tell them how another did you wrong, for they can turn that anger and aggression on you.
31) They always underestimate what you can do or can not do and don’t think you can do things on your own. Just like the confidence issue.
32) They talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. They don’t follow through with what they say they’ll do or they go back on their word. Their words don’t match their actions.
33) They use nicknames instead of calling you by your real name, especially the generics ones. When they do that it usually because it’s so they don’t accidentally call you by their ex’s name, and most likely they use it on all their partners.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
Bed
Sexual arousal triggers surges of feel good neurotransmitter dopamine and hormone oxytocin which stimulates feelings of attachment and love.
Jumping into bed too soon is a mistake people make often because heat and hormones can be mistaken for true affinity.
Waiting to have sex will help in the long run. Take time to get to know the person and take time to connect with them. The more connected you feel, the better the sex will be. It also helps so that you do it for the right reasons. The longer you wait, the clearer your sense of where you stand with your partner. You won’t confuse chemistry with compatibility.
True sexual empowerment is about knowing who you are and knowing what you need to be fulfilled both emotionally and physically.
Jumping into bed too soon can turn things bad. Charming turns to being immature and enthusiasm was just hyperness.
Wrong reasons for sleeping with someone can lead to unhappy endings. When we rush into bed the chances are greater that we find ourselves wanting them more or less than they want us. It can also lead to irreversible consequences. It’s not an issue to take lightly or casually and its heaviness can catch up with you.
Great sex can cloud your judgment. So if you say I love you afterwards that’s just the hormones talking and that isn’t where love is based, that is lust.
It is best to come up with a sexual timing that works best for you, your health, and well-being.
Ask yourself some questions before jumping into bed with someone and keep in mind each time you are with someone you give a piece of your self away.
1) Do you get easily hurt? If so then the best thing is to wait.
2) What if they don’t call you or talk to you again? If the thought of them never talking to you makes you said then it is best to wait. Make sure where you both stand.
3) Is this person worth giving a piece of your self too? Give yourself away too much and you won’t have anything left to give to the person who deserves it.
Look back at all of your past relationships and think of how they went and how you felt. Learn from them and if it didn’t work out take a different approach and make your own rules on love, sex, and relationship.
So many times I’ve let sex cloud my judgment and let the hormones trick me into false feelings of attachment and love, and too many times I let them become too real.
For me, I need a deeper connection and bond, I need to be intimate and make sure I love the person for all that they are and that they love me the same in return for that makes sex great. I will wait and save myself for someone who deserves it; so that way I know it is love and not lust. So when I say I love you and they return that love then I know we have a solid relationship.
"When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.” Oscar Wilde
Jumping into bed too soon is a mistake people make often because heat and hormones can be mistaken for true affinity.
Waiting to have sex will help in the long run. Take time to get to know the person and take time to connect with them. The more connected you feel, the better the sex will be. It also helps so that you do it for the right reasons. The longer you wait, the clearer your sense of where you stand with your partner. You won’t confuse chemistry with compatibility.
True sexual empowerment is about knowing who you are and knowing what you need to be fulfilled both emotionally and physically.
Jumping into bed too soon can turn things bad. Charming turns to being immature and enthusiasm was just hyperness.
Wrong reasons for sleeping with someone can lead to unhappy endings. When we rush into bed the chances are greater that we find ourselves wanting them more or less than they want us. It can also lead to irreversible consequences. It’s not an issue to take lightly or casually and its heaviness can catch up with you.
Great sex can cloud your judgment. So if you say I love you afterwards that’s just the hormones talking and that isn’t where love is based, that is lust.
It is best to come up with a sexual timing that works best for you, your health, and well-being.
Ask yourself some questions before jumping into bed with someone and keep in mind each time you are with someone you give a piece of your self away.
1) Do you get easily hurt? If so then the best thing is to wait.
2) What if they don’t call you or talk to you again? If the thought of them never talking to you makes you said then it is best to wait. Make sure where you both stand.
3) Is this person worth giving a piece of your self too? Give yourself away too much and you won’t have anything left to give to the person who deserves it.
Look back at all of your past relationships and think of how they went and how you felt. Learn from them and if it didn’t work out take a different approach and make your own rules on love, sex, and relationship.
So many times I’ve let sex cloud my judgment and let the hormones trick me into false feelings of attachment and love, and too many times I let them become too real.
For me, I need a deeper connection and bond, I need to be intimate and make sure I love the person for all that they are and that they love me the same in return for that makes sex great. I will wait and save myself for someone who deserves it; so that way I know it is love and not lust. So when I say I love you and they return that love then I know we have a solid relationship.
"When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.” Oscar Wilde
Love to Me
Real true love takes time to build and create. It is like a fine gourmet meal that takes all day to prepare, not 3min in the microwave.
Love is not about status, money, power, career, ambitions or compatibility.
Love is about giving, kindness, warmth, affection, forgiveness, respect, and acceptance.
You accept a person for whom they are, not what you can make them be, and you take them for all their glory and flaws.
You stay by their side through sickness and in health, through richer and poorer. Your love will never fade.
Love is a two way street and a selfless union. It takes hard work and dedication and honesty to have it become something wonderful.
True love doesn’t come by finding the perfect person but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
Love is hard and it is wonderful. I can not wait to find someone who will take the time to build a great loving relationship and that would accept me for who I am and still love me for who I am no matter what.
Love is not about status, money, power, career, ambitions or compatibility.
Love is about giving, kindness, warmth, affection, forgiveness, respect, and acceptance.
You accept a person for whom they are, not what you can make them be, and you take them for all their glory and flaws.
You stay by their side through sickness and in health, through richer and poorer. Your love will never fade.
Love is a two way street and a selfless union. It takes hard work and dedication and honesty to have it become something wonderful.
True love doesn’t come by finding the perfect person but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
Love is hard and it is wonderful. I can not wait to find someone who will take the time to build a great loving relationship and that would accept me for who I am and still love me for who I am no matter what.
Where I learned what Love is
My parents
They were the first ones to love me unconditionally. They had accepted me before I was even born. It didn’t matter what I looked like, they would think I was beautiful. They would always be there for me when I cried and they would forever hold me and let me cry. They would forgive me when I did something wrong. They always encouraged me in what I loved. They taught me to be a good person but never tried to change me. They would be there for me though thick and thin and would never stop loving me.
I also learned a lot about relationships from them. They lived by their wedding vows, through sickness and in health, through richer and poorer, and so on… until death do you part and they had stuck through it and had a hard great relationship, they were each others best friend and they were married for 24years and it would have been 31 but he passed away 7years ago. But I always strive for the type of relationship they had.
God and Jesus
Raised as a Christian I was taught the ways of God and Jesus. He is my Lord and Savior. From him I learned not to see people as a color and to not discriminate against someone just because they are different. So I do not judge people based on their outward appearance and I do not discriminate against someone who is different then me, I am not the one to judge and I will not be the one to judge.
Cats/Pets
Being raised with cats and pets I have also learned to love like they do. They love you unconditionally; the bond they build with an owner is lasting and real. They love you for who you are and do not try to change you. To them it does not matter what you look like or how you dress, as long as you are by their side and feed them they will be there for you. They don't care if you are rich or poor, they will stick by your side. They always treat you the same. They don’t hang on to resentment and they always forgive you time and time again. They sense when you are down and try to cheer you up. They like to keep things light and know that play is important. Humans should strive to copy pets on what a person has to other (love, kindness and warmth). Pets do things we should do more often.
For all of these have taught me that real love comes from within. That they are there for you through thick and thin and would never give hope hope on you and will always love you unconditionally no matter what and that is what I strive to do also.
They were the first ones to love me unconditionally. They had accepted me before I was even born. It didn’t matter what I looked like, they would think I was beautiful. They would always be there for me when I cried and they would forever hold me and let me cry. They would forgive me when I did something wrong. They always encouraged me in what I loved. They taught me to be a good person but never tried to change me. They would be there for me though thick and thin and would never stop loving me.
I also learned a lot about relationships from them. They lived by their wedding vows, through sickness and in health, through richer and poorer, and so on… until death do you part and they had stuck through it and had a hard great relationship, they were each others best friend and they were married for 24years and it would have been 31 but he passed away 7years ago. But I always strive for the type of relationship they had.
God and Jesus
Raised as a Christian I was taught the ways of God and Jesus. He is my Lord and Savior. From him I learned not to see people as a color and to not discriminate against someone just because they are different. So I do not judge people based on their outward appearance and I do not discriminate against someone who is different then me, I am not the one to judge and I will not be the one to judge.
Cats/Pets
Being raised with cats and pets I have also learned to love like they do. They love you unconditionally; the bond they build with an owner is lasting and real. They love you for who you are and do not try to change you. To them it does not matter what you look like or how you dress, as long as you are by their side and feed them they will be there for you. They don't care if you are rich or poor, they will stick by your side. They always treat you the same. They don’t hang on to resentment and they always forgive you time and time again. They sense when you are down and try to cheer you up. They like to keep things light and know that play is important. Humans should strive to copy pets on what a person has to other (love, kindness and warmth). Pets do things we should do more often.
For all of these have taught me that real love comes from within. That they are there for you through thick and thin and would never give hope hope on you and will always love you unconditionally no matter what and that is what I strive to do also.
Intro to Love
Love is often blind when the electrifying sparks start flying. Then later as the hormones calm down, the fireworks run dim, and the smoke clears, you wonder is it love or lust.
Lust has to do with hormones and is instant and intense and usually ends as quickly as it began.
What is love, well that is complicated. We all have different views on what it is, so how do we know if we are right or wrong, we don’t, we go by how we feel.
Some people believe that love is instant and you will know they are the one the moment you meet them but others believe that is lust and that real love takes time.
In the book Kiss My Tiara by Susan Jane Gilman; she goes over a fairy tale myths: Fairy Tale #6 –True love is instant, you will know it the minute you see the person. –Nope, trust, communication and kindness take time to unveil and build.
So to that I say love is not a CupNoodle.
I once had a friend tell me what they though about love and I agreed with it. She told me that she makes more money, has more ambitions, more hobbies, and etc then her guy. That she does not need him but she wants him and those things do not matter since there are other reasons she is with him. They don’t have much in common but there is enough that keeps them wanting to stay together. Now they are engaged and she’s moving overseas to be with him. She is in the air force reserves and works for Boeing and he works at Costco in Japan. I wish the best for them!
Love isn’t about being completely compatible with each other. You don’t have to be completely compatible to live happily ever after; you learn to respect each other and their differences and learn to coexist. You accept a person for all their glory and flaws. You let them be them and support them anyway you can. That is love.
Real love is a two way street, if you feel like it's a one way and you are getting zero back then that is not love, but lust.
The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of.
Joys of Singlehood
So you are partner-less, that doesn’t mean you have to be miserable. Make the most out of being single. Learn about yourself again, explore opportunities, and do things you didn’t have time for while you had someone attached to your hip.
Live your life on your terms. Pursue interests that were on the back burner. Travel, take a class, and get on self-improvement kick.
Be a sexy free agent and flirt around a party without worrying about pissing off a watchful partner. Those guilt-free, ego-boosting moments that makes being single great. Revel in those opportunities and couples will envy you.
It is not sad or pathetic to be partner-less, we are not brainwashed to believe it’s unbearable. You are your own boss to do as you please.
Take the time to know you and establish your individualism. Learn to love yourself and be a complete person by yourself.
I’m sure if you have been through a bad breakup that made you feel like you had to be someone you aren’t to please the person that you are feeling like you can’t be loved for who you are. So it’s important to take time for yourself and learn to love yourself for who you are. There is nothing wrong with you, you are wonderful and great in your own way, and if that person couldn’t see it and accept that, then good riddance. So pick that chin up and take time for yourself and I’m sure you’ll be happier.
Look at being single as a chance to be more daring. You are never too old to become more daring.
If we never take risks, we never fall, we never learn, and we don’t progress. Being able to be daring lets you experience the full feelings of being a human.
Daring means following your dreams and passion, being curious about the world, stepping out of routine and finding adventure. By feeling your fear and doing it anyways you gain more confidence. Learn a new skill because it feels good.
If you are feeling down remember your childhood and what made you happy and remember the things you loved. Go back to your roots and indulge your inner child by getting back to things you did as a kid.
Why I choose to be single
1) For all the reasons above
2) I love my life and what I have built and created for myself. I’m happy and content.
3) I do not need anyone to validate me; I know my worth. Plus most of the time the guy will take that away.
4) I’m too busy with family, jobs and my hobbies. I follow my passion wherever it might take me.
5) I do not need anyone to make me feel shiny and new; I feel like a gem already. Plus, again, most of the time guys can make you feel like a pile of shit and I don’t need that or want that.
6) My faith, hope, and trust is with God.
7) Friends are more important to have.
8) And oh so many many many other reasons too.
My life has been happier without a male at my side. I have less stress and no panic attacks. I’m happy that I am my own boss and can do as I please without having to worry about someone else. I’m independent and only relaying on myself. After all I’ve put up with in my relationships, I was not happy or satisfied, and it just ended in heartache anyways. I would like to settle down but trying to find a good partner who can respect me and has the same views as me is very hard. But I have faith, hope and trust in God to bring me a partner that I could settle down with for after all I would love to settle down with just one person. But for now I’m having fun being my own boss, following my passion, learning and embracing all of me, being daring, and I’m making the most out of being single and I am in love with it!
Live your life on your terms. Pursue interests that were on the back burner. Travel, take a class, and get on self-improvement kick.
Be a sexy free agent and flirt around a party without worrying about pissing off a watchful partner. Those guilt-free, ego-boosting moments that makes being single great. Revel in those opportunities and couples will envy you.
It is not sad or pathetic to be partner-less, we are not brainwashed to believe it’s unbearable. You are your own boss to do as you please.
Take the time to know you and establish your individualism. Learn to love yourself and be a complete person by yourself.
I’m sure if you have been through a bad breakup that made you feel like you had to be someone you aren’t to please the person that you are feeling like you can’t be loved for who you are. So it’s important to take time for yourself and learn to love yourself for who you are. There is nothing wrong with you, you are wonderful and great in your own way, and if that person couldn’t see it and accept that, then good riddance. So pick that chin up and take time for yourself and I’m sure you’ll be happier.
Look at being single as a chance to be more daring. You are never too old to become more daring.
If we never take risks, we never fall, we never learn, and we don’t progress. Being able to be daring lets you experience the full feelings of being a human.
Daring means following your dreams and passion, being curious about the world, stepping out of routine and finding adventure. By feeling your fear and doing it anyways you gain more confidence. Learn a new skill because it feels good.
If you are feeling down remember your childhood and what made you happy and remember the things you loved. Go back to your roots and indulge your inner child by getting back to things you did as a kid.
Why I choose to be single
1) For all the reasons above
2) I love my life and what I have built and created for myself. I’m happy and content.
3) I do not need anyone to validate me; I know my worth. Plus most of the time the guy will take that away.
4) I’m too busy with family, jobs and my hobbies. I follow my passion wherever it might take me.
5) I do not need anyone to make me feel shiny and new; I feel like a gem already. Plus, again, most of the time guys can make you feel like a pile of shit and I don’t need that or want that.
6) My faith, hope, and trust is with God.
7) Friends are more important to have.
8) And oh so many many many other reasons too.
My life has been happier without a male at my side. I have less stress and no panic attacks. I’m happy that I am my own boss and can do as I please without having to worry about someone else. I’m independent and only relaying on myself. After all I’ve put up with in my relationships, I was not happy or satisfied, and it just ended in heartache anyways. I would like to settle down but trying to find a good partner who can respect me and has the same views as me is very hard. But I have faith, hope and trust in God to bring me a partner that I could settle down with for after all I would love to settle down with just one person. But for now I’m having fun being my own boss, following my passion, learning and embracing all of me, being daring, and I’m making the most out of being single and I am in love with it!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Abandonment Victim or Victor
Break-ups are the hardest, especially if you are the one who gets dumped and you still love them. Abandonment can make you feel like a victim.
The person who once loved you has deserted that love and you. Your ego gets hit by a truck, doubt and insecurities plague your mind, and the tears make a river.
You go throw stages of shock, denial, betrayal, blame, anger, depression, and acceptance before you move on.
Shock- This isn’t happening! This can’t happen! You feel devastated that they left you and you can’t comprehend it.
Denial- If you still love them then they must still love you and you don’t want to accept it since you want to fight to keep that love.
Betrayal- You trusted this person with your heart and your feelings and they have disregarded it and the things they told you turn out to be false.
Blame- You blame yourself for this and that or not being this and that, you blame them, your cat, your house, your job, and you blame everything in the world.
Anger- You hate them for being so selfish and not caring about you and wanting to fight for the relationship. You want to hurt them the same way they have hurt you. But as a friend once told me “The best revenge is to live a better life.”
Depression- You cry, you feel lonely, and nothing can cheer you up.
Acceptance- They won’t take you back, you lost a love, that chapter is closed forever and you come to terms with it.
Moving on- You never thought it could be done but eventually you have gotten back up and have moved on.
The road is rocky and hard but you need to go through those emotions to move on. So how do you become the victor and not the victim? Dump the mentality that haunts you by making positive strides and changes.
You are not alone and you are not the first one to be duped by someone who professed their love.
Refocus the blame. Seeking answers as to why and how to get closure may hinder your ability to move past the breakup and can expose lies that end up hurting you more. Staying too invested in the who, what, where, and why of the break-up will prevent you from moving on. Drop all blame, no one is to blame, we are who we are and that shouldn’t be a fault.
Express your anger constructively. It’s ok to feel unresolved anger about the how and why when a relationship ends because it can help you move on. To deal with it in a healthy way write a journal or exercise or read!
Take a step back and pretend it happened to someone else, go over what happened, explain it, observe the mistakes, which signs you picked up on and what signs you ignored, drop the blame, learn from it, and move on.
Ask yourself these questions: How did they treat you? Was there a balance with the good and bad or was there more bad than good? Where you more frustrated/stressed and sad than happy? Ask yourself how can you love someone who was selfish enough to leave you and not care about how you felt? If they have trashed your feelings and made you feel worthless then how can you love someone that did that? After all that is said and done, do you respect them? Most likely not so ask yourself how can you love someone you don’t respect?
After reflecting on it by seeing it from another point of view you can now see the signs that you chose to ignore and see the problems and telling yourself no one is to blame, you will move on.
Analyze who you were before you met them, did you change? Was it for the better or for the worst? For most we try to change for them and it’s usually not a change for the better. “To know your partner is wise. To know yourself is enlightened.” Dr. Gilda.
Before you decide to commit to someone make sure you have established an individual identity. It usually continues through 25-28 years to establish. It makes it hard to pick a partner when you don’t even know yourself yet. Take the time to be independent, have goals and needs. Go through many experiences to grow and learn. Wait until you have developed your identity and life goals before picking a mate.
If you forget why they left you or why the relationship ended get confirmation from family and friends. They don’t forget and are usually happy to remind you why it didn’t and couldn’t work out ever.
Forge new memories and visit new places. Going back to places that hold memories of you two makes it harder to move on. Focus on what’s going on in your life now and create an exciting future!
If you are still hurting and feel like you can’t trust anyone take time to get to know yourself again and learn to trust yourself again by making better choices. Become that awesome person you were before you met them and not be the awful person they think you are. They aren’t worth crying over!
With time and help you will come out the victor and the better person.
“Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.” Confucius
“When one door closes another opens. But often we look so long so regretfully upon the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.” Helen Keller
I would highly recommend you read How to Stop Worrying and Start Living and How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie,and Gods in EveryMan by Jean Shinoda Bolen.
*Breaking-up is hard, I still might not be the one who can do it, but getting over a break-up that is easy. I went from 2years with my 1st love, to 8months with my 2nd and now I have it down to a science of 2months from my last love. And I am happier and more satisfied then I ever been. I am a victor and a better person.*
The person who once loved you has deserted that love and you. Your ego gets hit by a truck, doubt and insecurities plague your mind, and the tears make a river.
You go throw stages of shock, denial, betrayal, blame, anger, depression, and acceptance before you move on.
Shock- This isn’t happening! This can’t happen! You feel devastated that they left you and you can’t comprehend it.
Denial- If you still love them then they must still love you and you don’t want to accept it since you want to fight to keep that love.
Betrayal- You trusted this person with your heart and your feelings and they have disregarded it and the things they told you turn out to be false.
Blame- You blame yourself for this and that or not being this and that, you blame them, your cat, your house, your job, and you blame everything in the world.
Anger- You hate them for being so selfish and not caring about you and wanting to fight for the relationship. You want to hurt them the same way they have hurt you. But as a friend once told me “The best revenge is to live a better life.”
Depression- You cry, you feel lonely, and nothing can cheer you up.
Acceptance- They won’t take you back, you lost a love, that chapter is closed forever and you come to terms with it.
Moving on- You never thought it could be done but eventually you have gotten back up and have moved on.
The road is rocky and hard but you need to go through those emotions to move on. So how do you become the victor and not the victim? Dump the mentality that haunts you by making positive strides and changes.
You are not alone and you are not the first one to be duped by someone who professed their love.
Refocus the blame. Seeking answers as to why and how to get closure may hinder your ability to move past the breakup and can expose lies that end up hurting you more. Staying too invested in the who, what, where, and why of the break-up will prevent you from moving on. Drop all blame, no one is to blame, we are who we are and that shouldn’t be a fault.
Express your anger constructively. It’s ok to feel unresolved anger about the how and why when a relationship ends because it can help you move on. To deal with it in a healthy way write a journal or exercise or read!
Take a step back and pretend it happened to someone else, go over what happened, explain it, observe the mistakes, which signs you picked up on and what signs you ignored, drop the blame, learn from it, and move on.
Ask yourself these questions: How did they treat you? Was there a balance with the good and bad or was there more bad than good? Where you more frustrated/stressed and sad than happy? Ask yourself how can you love someone who was selfish enough to leave you and not care about how you felt? If they have trashed your feelings and made you feel worthless then how can you love someone that did that? After all that is said and done, do you respect them? Most likely not so ask yourself how can you love someone you don’t respect?
After reflecting on it by seeing it from another point of view you can now see the signs that you chose to ignore and see the problems and telling yourself no one is to blame, you will move on.
Analyze who you were before you met them, did you change? Was it for the better or for the worst? For most we try to change for them and it’s usually not a change for the better. “To know your partner is wise. To know yourself is enlightened.” Dr. Gilda.
Before you decide to commit to someone make sure you have established an individual identity. It usually continues through 25-28 years to establish. It makes it hard to pick a partner when you don’t even know yourself yet. Take the time to be independent, have goals and needs. Go through many experiences to grow and learn. Wait until you have developed your identity and life goals before picking a mate.
If you forget why they left you or why the relationship ended get confirmation from family and friends. They don’t forget and are usually happy to remind you why it didn’t and couldn’t work out ever.
Forge new memories and visit new places. Going back to places that hold memories of you two makes it harder to move on. Focus on what’s going on in your life now and create an exciting future!
If you are still hurting and feel like you can’t trust anyone take time to get to know yourself again and learn to trust yourself again by making better choices. Become that awesome person you were before you met them and not be the awful person they think you are. They aren’t worth crying over!
With time and help you will come out the victor and the better person.
“Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.” Confucius
“When one door closes another opens. But often we look so long so regretfully upon the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.” Helen Keller
I would highly recommend you read How to Stop Worrying and Start Living and How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie,and Gods in EveryMan by Jean Shinoda Bolen.
*Breaking-up is hard, I still might not be the one who can do it, but getting over a break-up that is easy. I went from 2years with my 1st love, to 8months with my 2nd and now I have it down to a science of 2months from my last love. And I am happier and more satisfied then I ever been. I am a victor and a better person.*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
