Don't Bet On the Prince by Dr. Gilda Carle
Conclusion
Gilda-Gram: if he’s mine, I can’t lose him. If he’s not, I don’t want him.
The trouble is that most of us resist betting solely on ourselves. People need to realize that no on can make us happy but them selves. We feel unworthy, incapable, uncertain of our assets as they stand alone. Unable to speak our minds for fear of being disliked. To be liked we only count everyone’s needs before our own. Thereby teaching people to walk all over us. Or we become demanding in order to get our discarded needs, miss using our power.
Real Power is not controlling power; it is a balance from within.
Leave people that have hurt you and don’t hang on in hopes they’ll change.
Know who you are, communicate it, and then you are ready to receive what you believe you deserve.
Love is not supposed to hurt. Get up and get out!
When you bet on yourself, you life is wonderful. Love the person you are, and you are awesome. Enjoy!
*In this last conclusion she talked about it like talking to females, but I wanted this to go for both male and female since it can be true for both. In order to get love, respect, trust from someone you must first give it to yourself. I never expected my men to really change who they were, their habits yes, but the biggest reason I held onto them was because I believed they were better than that, but time and time again they proved they weren’t the better person they said they were. So actions do speak louder than words. Don’t blame anyone or anything; blame and praise is the same thing. Don’t be afraid to be yourself, if they don’t like who you are then they are not meant for you. A relationship built on lies will fail. I have learned and I have grown and I have changed for the better because I did it for me and me alone. I am happy where I am and what I have.
Woot! I'm finally done with the book. I'm going to miss the smell.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
DBP Chapter Nine
Don't Bet On the Prince by Dr. Gilda CarleChapter Nine
Apply the Language of Sex
Flirting is eye-centered teasing, throbbing, and luring foreplay. It requires that a woman know who she is, that she know her Power. The look of love expresses that a woman feels good about herself.
Sexuality is an expression of sensuality. Sensuality expresses our willingness to probe our sense for excitement.
Close your lips & legs and open your ears & heart. Believe in your own sexuality.
Gilda-Gram: There is a sex goddess in every women- and she is you.
When we are comfortable with ourselves, we can freely ask our partners for what we need.
Passion can hit quickly and fade just as fast; commitment requires the building of intimacy over time. Sex gets better over time when you develop an emotional intimacy first. Friends first, lovers later.
Gilda-Gram: 1) Horizontal loving is enhanced when vertical caring is intact. 2) How we love is learned, not inherited. What we lean can also be unlearned.
The process cannot be rushed, because there will be testing & trusting and pushing & pulling. Each step may require another negotiation. With each negotiation, we learn something new about ourselves. Therein lies the greatest objective of life- to learn and grow.
Gilda-Gram: Intimacy depends more on our willingness to trust than on our skill at sex.
Sexual communication must be honest communication.
Gilda-Gram: The Language of Sex speaks volumes about things a couple won’t discuss.
A recent survey found that 55 percent of women said that sex without love was not enjoyable. A woman needs love to find comfort in sex, while a man needs sex to find comfort in love.
Gilda-Gram: Good communication is the best lubrication.
When two people are honest, no engages in an activity before they are ready.
Gilda-Gram: 1) A turned-on woman is an aphrodisiac. 2) Don’t get naked until you feel safe.
Little white sexual lies often punctuate even the best relationships. Intimacy demands honesty.
Gilda-Gram: For successful sexual union, each partner must have a clear sexual identity.
When a couple is willing to wait for intimacy, they take their time in getting to know each other. This way, when they are ready, they can honestly share their preferences.
She must know who she is, what she’s about, and she must be openly willing to share this knowledge.
Gilda-Gram: Sex is not an act we do; it is an expression of who we are.
*This chapter talked a lot about sex. It brought up a good point on how it is good for your health and wondered why we didn’t desire it more. I have chosen to longer be sexually active with anyone until I know they love me for who I am (for all my glory and all my flaws) because I need to be intimate before I get into the sheets and I also need to return that love and feelings. I do think it’s important to have, but I also believe that you shouldn’t sleep with just anyone just because it’s good for your health. I believe that each time you sleep with someone you do give a piece of yourself away and the more you sleep with people the less you have to give to the next person who might deserve it.
That great love should take time and you should take all the time to enjoy it and build it up.
They also talk about how communication and honesty is key for great sex but since we both have our fears it doesn’t usually happen.
I won’t put on love goggles just because I sleep with a guy. But I won’t sleep with a guy until I can see out of the love goggles clearly.*
Apply the Language of Sex
Flirting is eye-centered teasing, throbbing, and luring foreplay. It requires that a woman know who she is, that she know her Power. The look of love expresses that a woman feels good about herself.
Sexuality is an expression of sensuality. Sensuality expresses our willingness to probe our sense for excitement.
Close your lips & legs and open your ears & heart. Believe in your own sexuality.
Gilda-Gram: There is a sex goddess in every women- and she is you.
When we are comfortable with ourselves, we can freely ask our partners for what we need.
Passion can hit quickly and fade just as fast; commitment requires the building of intimacy over time. Sex gets better over time when you develop an emotional intimacy first. Friends first, lovers later.
Gilda-Gram: 1) Horizontal loving is enhanced when vertical caring is intact. 2) How we love is learned, not inherited. What we lean can also be unlearned.
The process cannot be rushed, because there will be testing & trusting and pushing & pulling. Each step may require another negotiation. With each negotiation, we learn something new about ourselves. Therein lies the greatest objective of life- to learn and grow.
Gilda-Gram: Intimacy depends more on our willingness to trust than on our skill at sex.
Sexual communication must be honest communication.
Gilda-Gram: The Language of Sex speaks volumes about things a couple won’t discuss.
A recent survey found that 55 percent of women said that sex without love was not enjoyable. A woman needs love to find comfort in sex, while a man needs sex to find comfort in love.
Gilda-Gram: Good communication is the best lubrication.
When two people are honest, no engages in an activity before they are ready.
Gilda-Gram: 1) A turned-on woman is an aphrodisiac. 2) Don’t get naked until you feel safe.
Little white sexual lies often punctuate even the best relationships. Intimacy demands honesty.
Gilda-Gram: For successful sexual union, each partner must have a clear sexual identity.
When a couple is willing to wait for intimacy, they take their time in getting to know each other. This way, when they are ready, they can honestly share their preferences.
She must know who she is, what she’s about, and she must be openly willing to share this knowledge.
Gilda-Gram: Sex is not an act we do; it is an expression of who we are.
*This chapter talked a lot about sex. It brought up a good point on how it is good for your health and wondered why we didn’t desire it more. I have chosen to longer be sexually active with anyone until I know they love me for who I am (for all my glory and all my flaws) because I need to be intimate before I get into the sheets and I also need to return that love and feelings. I do think it’s important to have, but I also believe that you shouldn’t sleep with just anyone just because it’s good for your health. I believe that each time you sleep with someone you do give a piece of yourself away and the more you sleep with people the less you have to give to the next person who might deserve it.
That great love should take time and you should take all the time to enjoy it and build it up.
They also talk about how communication and honesty is key for great sex but since we both have our fears it doesn’t usually happen.
I won’t put on love goggles just because I sleep with a guy. But I won’t sleep with a guy until I can see out of the love goggles clearly.*
Monday, February 23, 2009
DBP Chapter Eight
Don't Bet On the Prince by Dr. Gilda Carle
Chapter Eight
Incorporate the Language of Love
To communicate lovingly, a woman must know who she is and express it: Power. She must know what she wants and express it: Purpose. She knows what to do and express it: Play. If she is missing those then love shrinks.
Gilda-Gram: 1) Friends first, lovers later. 2) Fall in like before you fall in love. 3) For stress-reduced communication with your man, use male talk first, female talk later. Or deals first, details later. 4) The four words men hate most are “Let’s discuss the relationship.” 5) Male intimacy is to commune. Female intimacy is to converse. 6) Without rules there are no boundaries. Without boundaries there is no self. Without self there is no love. 7) To clear your communication static, change the channel. 8) Play together to stay together. 9) If you’re too busy to play, you’re too busy. 10) Don’t delay Play.
In relationships we are all works in progress, and the job never ceases. Love requires both giving and receiving. We must remember our purpose in being together. To give and receive passion, we must also offer compassion.
Play in the sense of simply enjoying life. Honor each other and play together. Your ability to laugh and play strengthens your bond of friendship with your partner.
*this part talked about many couples and how to keep a good relationship going by talking in the language of love. It didn’t really inspire me to write about since it was mostly stories and it was too hard to put into words. Just be honest, be yourself, assess the relationship, take time to understand, and express yourself. The best line in this chapter was “Trust is the deepest ingredient of lasting love.” That saying I love you has been used to freely and I do believe trust is key in a lasting relationship without trust there can be no relationship. Looking back at my past relationships in order for me to be intimate with someone I had to have trust, it was my self aphrodisiac, but that trust was hardly returned and I was betrayed. So now I am not quick to trust and therefore I cannot get intimate. Again looking back at my previous relationships my partners didn’t really enjoy what I enjoyed. It’s funny because what I thought they did make me happy but they didn’t, I wasn’t really happy, it was the chemicals in my brain thinking I was but my heart wasn’t. From now on I know that I will not tolerate a lot of the stuff I put up with and I deserve someone who will give me what I want since I know what I need.*
Chapter Eight
Incorporate the Language of Love
To communicate lovingly, a woman must know who she is and express it: Power. She must know what she wants and express it: Purpose. She knows what to do and express it: Play. If she is missing those then love shrinks.
Gilda-Gram: 1) Friends first, lovers later. 2) Fall in like before you fall in love. 3) For stress-reduced communication with your man, use male talk first, female talk later. Or deals first, details later. 4) The four words men hate most are “Let’s discuss the relationship.” 5) Male intimacy is to commune. Female intimacy is to converse. 6) Without rules there are no boundaries. Without boundaries there is no self. Without self there is no love. 7) To clear your communication static, change the channel. 8) Play together to stay together. 9) If you’re too busy to play, you’re too busy. 10) Don’t delay Play.
In relationships we are all works in progress, and the job never ceases. Love requires both giving and receiving. We must remember our purpose in being together. To give and receive passion, we must also offer compassion.
Play in the sense of simply enjoying life. Honor each other and play together. Your ability to laugh and play strengthens your bond of friendship with your partner.
*this part talked about many couples and how to keep a good relationship going by talking in the language of love. It didn’t really inspire me to write about since it was mostly stories and it was too hard to put into words. Just be honest, be yourself, assess the relationship, take time to understand, and express yourself. The best line in this chapter was “Trust is the deepest ingredient of lasting love.” That saying I love you has been used to freely and I do believe trust is key in a lasting relationship without trust there can be no relationship. Looking back at my past relationships in order for me to be intimate with someone I had to have trust, it was my self aphrodisiac, but that trust was hardly returned and I was betrayed. So now I am not quick to trust and therefore I cannot get intimate. Again looking back at my previous relationships my partners didn’t really enjoy what I enjoyed. It’s funny because what I thought they did make me happy but they didn’t, I wasn’t really happy, it was the chemicals in my brain thinking I was but my heart wasn’t. From now on I know that I will not tolerate a lot of the stuff I put up with and I deserve someone who will give me what I want since I know what I need.*
DBP Chapter Seven
Don't Bet On the Prince by Dr. Gilda Carle
Chapter Seven
Enjoy Being Home Alone
Gilda-Gram: We attract not who we want but who we are.
Life is about learning. Learning is about change. Love changes are challenging because two lives that were once separate become interdependent.
A woman must put such effort into herself before she falls in love. She should ask for what she needs as she believes she deserves to get it.
Couples must recognize their differences yet somehow maintain their individuality. Most women abandon their individuality early on in the face of love.
Even when you are in a happy and devoted relationship, you must find time to enjoy your own company. Being alone teaches you to come to grips with the power of one. Time alone is necessary at every stage of relationships to ensure your individualism stays intact.
Gilda-Gram: You are the only person who will never abandon you.
Treat yourself well. Place your needs high on your list of necessities.
Life can be miserable when you are living with a man you can’t trust. Women must recognize the signs; take time to clarify the signals. When you realize that you can live your life without a man, you can negotiate your differences with one. Men come and go, it is you who are constantly there and you on whom you must focus.
Gilda-Gram: If you plan to love someone, recognize he could someday be gone.
Relationships don’t have to last forever to be profitable. From each we learn another lesson and grow another step.
Gilda-Gram: Love at first sight is lust with potential. But we need time alone to sort it through.
You must be your primary passion, make the woman in the mirror your passion. Recognize your hearts desires and see that you honor them.
Being alone induces clarity of mind to acknowledge what it is we long for.
Recognize that no one can make us whole.
Gilda-Gram: At times, it’s necessary to be a single bookend.
Discover who you are, what you want, where you are going. Serve yourself first. There is only one way to count, and that is by counting yourself. We must accept who we are with the freedom to be ourselves; otherwise we are living a lie. When you give yourself your own goodwill, you are getting your own castle in order, rather than waiting to be swept off into some prince’s.
Gilda-Gram: 1) To ignore our past is to repeat our past. 2) Even if you’re a couple, you’re always a person away from being single.
Only date men who can enhance you life, not pull you down. To achieve intimacy, we must love ourselves and be ourselves before we meld ourselves with someone else.
Gilda-Gram: To be a good we, first become a good me.
Understand that you are fine as is; you can get on with your life –with or without a man.
By assessing your misguided loves, you are guarding against repeating bad relationships. One door closes and a bigger door opens.
Gilda-Gram: 1) My next mistakes will be new mistakes. 2) All good things come to those who plant. 3) What we fight to get, we fight to keep.
Patience is the only courage we need. Believing is seeing. When you believe something, you will see it manifested.
Gilda-Gram: 1) My relationship should support my self, not sap it. 2) We attract not who we want but who we are. 3) An attitude of abundance repels a mentality of scarcity.
When we accentuate the positives, we will attract positive men.
*I get asked a lot by guys how come I’m single and of course they ask me out via myspace…I just put my head on the table. Yes I may be hot, and I have both the girly side and the boyish side, so generally I’m an odd find and a lot of guys dig that I’m a little bit of both. I can come up with a million reasons why I am single and I can re-word them a billion of times. But what it comes down to is: the reason I am single is because I choose to be. When I want to be in a relationship I will be and I would make the move. It doesn’t matter how awesome your myspace page may be, that won’t impress me, I need to see the person and see how they are since actions speak louder than words, and using just a short sentence that is way too vague will not get me to write. Come on people! If you actually want to have a chance with me then go into things I like to talk about and ask questions about that!! But nope, no one pays attention to what I write or else they would know that I won’t date anyone from myspace!! I’m happy in my freedom and I choose to be single!! I’m not lonely or miserable! And I have when people think that because you are alone that you are miserable. I’ve been more miserable in relationships than not. I don’t think I’m alone either. I have God, myself, and my family. They are the ones who enrich my life and have given me the love I deserve. I’m finding out who I am, loving myself, accepting myself, being myself, and enjoying my single-hood. I can live my life without a partner, I will choose when I want to be with someone. I have control of my own life. I choose to be single.*
Chapter Seven
Enjoy Being Home Alone
Gilda-Gram: We attract not who we want but who we are.
Life is about learning. Learning is about change. Love changes are challenging because two lives that were once separate become interdependent.
A woman must put such effort into herself before she falls in love. She should ask for what she needs as she believes she deserves to get it.
Couples must recognize their differences yet somehow maintain their individuality. Most women abandon their individuality early on in the face of love.
Even when you are in a happy and devoted relationship, you must find time to enjoy your own company. Being alone teaches you to come to grips with the power of one. Time alone is necessary at every stage of relationships to ensure your individualism stays intact.
Gilda-Gram: You are the only person who will never abandon you.
Treat yourself well. Place your needs high on your list of necessities.
Life can be miserable when you are living with a man you can’t trust. Women must recognize the signs; take time to clarify the signals. When you realize that you can live your life without a man, you can negotiate your differences with one. Men come and go, it is you who are constantly there and you on whom you must focus.
Gilda-Gram: If you plan to love someone, recognize he could someday be gone.
Relationships don’t have to last forever to be profitable. From each we learn another lesson and grow another step.
Gilda-Gram: Love at first sight is lust with potential. But we need time alone to sort it through.
You must be your primary passion, make the woman in the mirror your passion. Recognize your hearts desires and see that you honor them.
Being alone induces clarity of mind to acknowledge what it is we long for.
Recognize that no one can make us whole.
Gilda-Gram: At times, it’s necessary to be a single bookend.
Discover who you are, what you want, where you are going. Serve yourself first. There is only one way to count, and that is by counting yourself. We must accept who we are with the freedom to be ourselves; otherwise we are living a lie. When you give yourself your own goodwill, you are getting your own castle in order, rather than waiting to be swept off into some prince’s.
Gilda-Gram: 1) To ignore our past is to repeat our past. 2) Even if you’re a couple, you’re always a person away from being single.
Only date men who can enhance you life, not pull you down. To achieve intimacy, we must love ourselves and be ourselves before we meld ourselves with someone else.
Gilda-Gram: To be a good we, first become a good me.
Understand that you are fine as is; you can get on with your life –with or without a man.
By assessing your misguided loves, you are guarding against repeating bad relationships. One door closes and a bigger door opens.
Gilda-Gram: 1) My next mistakes will be new mistakes. 2) All good things come to those who plant. 3) What we fight to get, we fight to keep.
Patience is the only courage we need. Believing is seeing. When you believe something, you will see it manifested.
Gilda-Gram: 1) My relationship should support my self, not sap it. 2) We attract not who we want but who we are. 3) An attitude of abundance repels a mentality of scarcity.
When we accentuate the positives, we will attract positive men.
*I get asked a lot by guys how come I’m single and of course they ask me out via myspace…I just put my head on the table. Yes I may be hot, and I have both the girly side and the boyish side, so generally I’m an odd find and a lot of guys dig that I’m a little bit of both. I can come up with a million reasons why I am single and I can re-word them a billion of times. But what it comes down to is: the reason I am single is because I choose to be. When I want to be in a relationship I will be and I would make the move. It doesn’t matter how awesome your myspace page may be, that won’t impress me, I need to see the person and see how they are since actions speak louder than words, and using just a short sentence that is way too vague will not get me to write. Come on people! If you actually want to have a chance with me then go into things I like to talk about and ask questions about that!! But nope, no one pays attention to what I write or else they would know that I won’t date anyone from myspace!! I’m happy in my freedom and I choose to be single!! I’m not lonely or miserable! And I have when people think that because you are alone that you are miserable. I’ve been more miserable in relationships than not. I don’t think I’m alone either. I have God, myself, and my family. They are the ones who enrich my life and have given me the love I deserve. I’m finding out who I am, loving myself, accepting myself, being myself, and enjoying my single-hood. I can live my life without a partner, I will choose when I want to be with someone. I have control of my own life. I choose to be single.*
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
DBP Chapter Six
Don't Bet On the Prince by Dr. Gilda Carle
Chapter Six
Know How to Receive
Gilda-Gram: The art of receiving begins by giving to yourself.
Most women enjoy being able to give, but they must also show their openness to receive. It begins with the ability to receive our own goodness, be kind to ourselves, to count ourselves as number one, and to consider our needs first. In order to have a loving relationship with a partner, you must first have a loving relationship with yourself.
Gilda-Gram: When you give to yourself, others learn how you want to be treated.
The acceptance of material things is simply an extension of the notion of “I deserve.” When we learn to be a recipient of our own caretaking, we can receive both a man’s emotional kindness and his material generosity. A woman’s eagerness to be accepting and receptive in both is important for a relationship to thrive.
Gilda-Gram: You cannot receive if you cannot forgive.
Human beings cause each other to suffer, often without reason. The ability to forgive someone who has hurt us is usually a problem for most and I doing so hurts your relationship. Getting your feelings out and getting on with your life will loosen negative emotions. Forgiveness of others releases you and it healthy and selfish in the best sense.
Gilda-Gram: Spend your time willing your happiness rather than willing your man’s misery.
What goes around comes around. Revenge may seem sweet, but is it worth the time and energy? Time not only heals all wounds, it wounds all heels and he will suffer his own indignities when the time is right. Just don’t have a hand in them or else you will also suffer.
Gilda-Gram: Your will to love must be stronger than your wish to hate.
When you have cleared out the negative, allow the good things to take its place then you can grow.
Gilda-Gram: Whoever is hurting must initiate the healing. Life dents us. Women work hard to fix the dents. Men just work.
Your negative energy holds you back if you wait for him to thank you. Where there is no pain, there can be no gain.
Gilda-Gram: Not forgiving someone is just another way of remaining together.
Anger doesn’t keep you separated; it keeps you together. Most people prefer the devil they know rather then the devil they don’t know. While you are physical separated you can remain emotional connected. The fear of getting hurt is another reason why we do not forgive but it drains us emotionally. Putting someone to rest is far healthier than having him continue to contaminate your thoughts.
Gilda-Gram: What we think about, we bring about.
Positive thoughts make us physically strong. They empower us and make us rich. Negative thoughts make us weak. They limit us and make us poor. When we choose to let go, it’s not another person’s action we forgive, it’s the judgment we’ve made about that action. We decide ourselves how we perceive our hurt.
Gilda-Gram: There are no victims, only volunteers.
We can choose to be a fault finder or a love finder. Choose whether you want your negative emotions to own you or to get on with your life. Volunteer to let go so next time you respond out of strength rather than weakness.
Gilda-Gram: When you heal your relationship with someone else, you heal your relationship with yourself.
Keep remembering that you do deserve top-notch treatment and begin by giving yourself it.
*the book goes into examples of bad questions women ask and what they should ask instead. I decided not to put that in here since it doesn’t really seem to fit in with the Gilda-Gram. But she does bring up a couple great points and here they are:*
As soon as we become upset about someone’s behavior, we hand him the remote control to our heartstrings.
When you are part of a team, you must let go of your need to be right.
Your job is to concentrate on your own life, where your efforts will place you on the next step of your growth.
Trust is the ability to count on your partner as you count on yourself.
Change and growth are motivated and initiated by the person themselves, if and when they find the need. Your need to change them is arrogant.
Women must choose the man they want on the basis of who he is. But to do that, they must first accept themselves for who they are.
*In the next part of the chapter, asking artful questions and receiving honesty, she talks about asking good questions without probing. You should take the time to ask and not get offended when if they react badly and to give them time to answer. She also says to take the time to get to know them and what before jumping into bed. You should listen more and show understanding.*
Gilda-Gram: Receive your man: lovingly with your eyes, thoughtfully with your mind, understanding with your heart.
Like us, men want to be heard and embraced without judgment. Love is a two way street. Not only does it involve giving but it also requires being able to receive gracefully.
*I do understand the need to forgive ex-partners for the pain they caused you and the lies they told you and the broken promises in order to help move on. But I also believe some do not deserve it and for other reasons they will never get it. Instead I have learned to just let it go. I shouldn’t blame any one, for things happen for a reason. I look at the positive and learn from it. I know I won’t let it happen again and in a way I am grateful for the pain. I’m not always right and I’m not always wrong. My eyes get opened to new things and from that I grow. So I do owe some form of thanks, yes I do hold onto some bitterness, but I don’t let it control my life. There is a much greater power in just letting go and I have found a great power in that. For there is no point in thinking of people you do not like, pity those you hate and praise God for not making you like them and focus on the people you love. For revenge is wrong and it can come back to you. The best revenge is to live a better life. From all that I have found inner joy and happiness. I’m proud of who I am and I am blessed that I know what I know now. I know what I want and who I am, I know my barriers and will keep these lessons in my heart while I carefully look for a partner. Love and spread good karma*
Chapter Six
Know How to Receive
Gilda-Gram: The art of receiving begins by giving to yourself.
Most women enjoy being able to give, but they must also show their openness to receive. It begins with the ability to receive our own goodness, be kind to ourselves, to count ourselves as number one, and to consider our needs first. In order to have a loving relationship with a partner, you must first have a loving relationship with yourself.
Gilda-Gram: When you give to yourself, others learn how you want to be treated.
The acceptance of material things is simply an extension of the notion of “I deserve.” When we learn to be a recipient of our own caretaking, we can receive both a man’s emotional kindness and his material generosity. A woman’s eagerness to be accepting and receptive in both is important for a relationship to thrive.
Gilda-Gram: You cannot receive if you cannot forgive.
Human beings cause each other to suffer, often without reason. The ability to forgive someone who has hurt us is usually a problem for most and I doing so hurts your relationship. Getting your feelings out and getting on with your life will loosen negative emotions. Forgiveness of others releases you and it healthy and selfish in the best sense.
Gilda-Gram: Spend your time willing your happiness rather than willing your man’s misery.
What goes around comes around. Revenge may seem sweet, but is it worth the time and energy? Time not only heals all wounds, it wounds all heels and he will suffer his own indignities when the time is right. Just don’t have a hand in them or else you will also suffer.
Gilda-Gram: Your will to love must be stronger than your wish to hate.
When you have cleared out the negative, allow the good things to take its place then you can grow.
Gilda-Gram: Whoever is hurting must initiate the healing. Life dents us. Women work hard to fix the dents. Men just work.
Your negative energy holds you back if you wait for him to thank you. Where there is no pain, there can be no gain.
Gilda-Gram: Not forgiving someone is just another way of remaining together.
Anger doesn’t keep you separated; it keeps you together. Most people prefer the devil they know rather then the devil they don’t know. While you are physical separated you can remain emotional connected. The fear of getting hurt is another reason why we do not forgive but it drains us emotionally. Putting someone to rest is far healthier than having him continue to contaminate your thoughts.
Gilda-Gram: What we think about, we bring about.
Positive thoughts make us physically strong. They empower us and make us rich. Negative thoughts make us weak. They limit us and make us poor. When we choose to let go, it’s not another person’s action we forgive, it’s the judgment we’ve made about that action. We decide ourselves how we perceive our hurt.
Gilda-Gram: There are no victims, only volunteers.
We can choose to be a fault finder or a love finder. Choose whether you want your negative emotions to own you or to get on with your life. Volunteer to let go so next time you respond out of strength rather than weakness.
Gilda-Gram: When you heal your relationship with someone else, you heal your relationship with yourself.
Keep remembering that you do deserve top-notch treatment and begin by giving yourself it.
*the book goes into examples of bad questions women ask and what they should ask instead. I decided not to put that in here since it doesn’t really seem to fit in with the Gilda-Gram. But she does bring up a couple great points and here they are:*
As soon as we become upset about someone’s behavior, we hand him the remote control to our heartstrings.
When you are part of a team, you must let go of your need to be right.
Your job is to concentrate on your own life, where your efforts will place you on the next step of your growth.
Trust is the ability to count on your partner as you count on yourself.
Change and growth are motivated and initiated by the person themselves, if and when they find the need. Your need to change them is arrogant.
Women must choose the man they want on the basis of who he is. But to do that, they must first accept themselves for who they are.
*In the next part of the chapter, asking artful questions and receiving honesty, she talks about asking good questions without probing. You should take the time to ask and not get offended when if they react badly and to give them time to answer. She also says to take the time to get to know them and what before jumping into bed. You should listen more and show understanding.*
Gilda-Gram: Receive your man: lovingly with your eyes, thoughtfully with your mind, understanding with your heart.
Like us, men want to be heard and embraced without judgment. Love is a two way street. Not only does it involve giving but it also requires being able to receive gracefully.
*I do understand the need to forgive ex-partners for the pain they caused you and the lies they told you and the broken promises in order to help move on. But I also believe some do not deserve it and for other reasons they will never get it. Instead I have learned to just let it go. I shouldn’t blame any one, for things happen for a reason. I look at the positive and learn from it. I know I won’t let it happen again and in a way I am grateful for the pain. I’m not always right and I’m not always wrong. My eyes get opened to new things and from that I grow. So I do owe some form of thanks, yes I do hold onto some bitterness, but I don’t let it control my life. There is a much greater power in just letting go and I have found a great power in that. For there is no point in thinking of people you do not like, pity those you hate and praise God for not making you like them and focus on the people you love. For revenge is wrong and it can come back to you. The best revenge is to live a better life. From all that I have found inner joy and happiness. I’m proud of who I am and I am blessed that I know what I know now. I know what I want and who I am, I know my barriers and will keep these lessons in my heart while I carefully look for a partner. Love and spread good karma*
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
BDP Chapter Five
Don't Bet On the Prince by Dr. Gilda Carle
Chapter Five
Give from the Overflow, Not from the Core
Gilda-Grams:
1) We will never be loved if we can’t risk being disliked.
2) When we over-function for others, we under-function for ourselves.
3) There are givers and there are takers. Takers eat well, and givers sleep well….but not for long.
4) When we state our preferences, we invite people to act as we want, not as they want.
5) Give from the overflow, not from the core.
6) The most basic relationship we have is the one we have with ourselves.
7) Boundaries don’t close people out; they contain you so you don’t disperse you energies where they are unappreciated.
8) Forget the 12-Step programs. Women in pain need only two steps: Get up. Get out.
Being self-centered means that you are centered on your own growth, talents, ambitions, and passions.
9) When we quit trying to please others, we please more people than we know.
You have the right to say no, to offer an opinion, to remain silent, to enjoy pleasure, to pursue passions, to prefer solitude.
10) When you know it’s your right to say “No,” you can freely choose the times you say “Yes.”
We must honor our needs before we honor anyone else’s. People will test your boundaries and will call us names when they don’t their way but the more we stick to them the more we gain respect.
11) Seek respect first, and then liking.
*Again there is a lot to the chapter but a lot of it just talks about stories and gives a lot of pointers that is hard to really summarize. One statement she made that I love: “Anything short of honesty with your lover is manipulation. Is that how you want to start or continue your loving?”
The key points that it makes is that since we want to be liked so badly we forget about our feelings and put others before us, and that makes you look like a doormat.
Speak up for yourself, state your opinions, and don’t worry what others think. Show your backbone!
I know I hate when people think they have to cover up who they are or how the feel just because they are worried what others will think or worried about hurting me with their opinions. Thinking they have to lie to me just so I would like them or stay with them. Come on, people! It’s not the end of the world if someone doesn’t like you. I would rather be hated for being myself then liked for being someone I’m not. Take confidence in yourself and you will get respect.
Being too kind can kill you. Find a balance and take time for yourself to do things you like so that you don’t get burned later in life. Redefining what it is to be self-centered is a great thing, it shows that you can be independent without another person and isn’t it great to have your own life. Would you rather be called selfish or be a doormat?
Never ever let your partner change who you, you shouldn’t have to change to be liked, it just leads to misery when you do. Change because you want to change and you will grow in happiness.
There must be a balance to everything! Every relationship needs balance and life requires compromises, big or small it still needs to be done.*
Chapter Five
Give from the Overflow, Not from the Core
Gilda-Grams:
1) We will never be loved if we can’t risk being disliked.
2) When we over-function for others, we under-function for ourselves.
3) There are givers and there are takers. Takers eat well, and givers sleep well….but not for long.
4) When we state our preferences, we invite people to act as we want, not as they want.
5) Give from the overflow, not from the core.
6) The most basic relationship we have is the one we have with ourselves.
7) Boundaries don’t close people out; they contain you so you don’t disperse you energies where they are unappreciated.
8) Forget the 12-Step programs. Women in pain need only two steps: Get up. Get out.
Being self-centered means that you are centered on your own growth, talents, ambitions, and passions.
9) When we quit trying to please others, we please more people than we know.
You have the right to say no, to offer an opinion, to remain silent, to enjoy pleasure, to pursue passions, to prefer solitude.
10) When you know it’s your right to say “No,” you can freely choose the times you say “Yes.”
We must honor our needs before we honor anyone else’s. People will test your boundaries and will call us names when they don’t their way but the more we stick to them the more we gain respect.
11) Seek respect first, and then liking.
*Again there is a lot to the chapter but a lot of it just talks about stories and gives a lot of pointers that is hard to really summarize. One statement she made that I love: “Anything short of honesty with your lover is manipulation. Is that how you want to start or continue your loving?”
The key points that it makes is that since we want to be liked so badly we forget about our feelings and put others before us, and that makes you look like a doormat.
Speak up for yourself, state your opinions, and don’t worry what others think. Show your backbone!
I know I hate when people think they have to cover up who they are or how the feel just because they are worried what others will think or worried about hurting me with their opinions. Thinking they have to lie to me just so I would like them or stay with them. Come on, people! It’s not the end of the world if someone doesn’t like you. I would rather be hated for being myself then liked for being someone I’m not. Take confidence in yourself and you will get respect.
Being too kind can kill you. Find a balance and take time for yourself to do things you like so that you don’t get burned later in life. Redefining what it is to be self-centered is a great thing, it shows that you can be independent without another person and isn’t it great to have your own life. Would you rather be called selfish or be a doormat?
Never ever let your partner change who you, you shouldn’t have to change to be liked, it just leads to misery when you do. Change because you want to change and you will grow in happiness.
There must be a balance to everything! Every relationship needs balance and life requires compromises, big or small it still needs to be done.*
Monday, February 16, 2009
DBP Chapter Four
Don't Bet On the Prince by Dr.Gilda Carle
Chapter Four
Project a Power Image
Gilda-Gram: We alone create our destiny.
Many women live mannequin lives, their opinions mirror those of everyone but themselves. They are women without power.
Men don’t want to share power. Why should they? Power is fun. It’s an aphrodisiac. –Cathleen Black
For women to get power we must create it ourselves. Even if you are shot down at first, never depend on a man to hand you power.
Gilda-Gram: If he doesn’t want you on his team, form your own.
For a woman to get power, she must take it, she must project it, and she must command that others respect it. If she gets criticized, so be it. There is a price that comes with it, but in the long run it’s worth it. This power does not come from controlling others, it comes from within.
Gilda-Gram: Before we fantasize being liked, we need to like ourselves.
Being able to find a balance in all aspects of life will make you feel whole. Being in control is important but so is being able to compromise. When we believe in and trust ourselves to choose appropriately, we can become balanced. A balanced woman is adaptable and is free to choose. She is free to exercise her power, for she is in control of her life and if others don’t like it’s their fault.
Power is never control over anyone; that only verify’s their insecurity. Real power is our deepest sense of inner peace, our comfort in knowing who we are and what we deserve. Knowing what we stand for and being willing to state it is our greatest strength.
Gilda-Gram: Take full responsibility for your own happiness.
A fully responsible woman is inviting to a worthy man.
Gilda-Gram: Praise and blame are both the same thing.
Gilda-Gram: We alone create our destiny.
Things happen that we have no control over, but we can control how we react to these things.
Gilda-Gram: Expect your every need will be met. Expect that you will meet each one yourself.
Gilda-Gram: Power is as power does. Power does as power feels. Power feels as power thinks. When we think of power, we project power.
Gilda-Gram: Nothing that you ever do can change the fact that you are you.
Gilda-Gram: Only part of beauty is in the eye of the beholder; we carry the other part in our image of ourselves.
Gilda-Gram: People make contact with people they like, and people like people like themselves. Put forth your most honest self and share it freely with others. Learn to wisely apportion the amount of giving so that your own needs don’t go unnoticed or unmet.
*There was lot to this chapter, just too much to summarize, and those grams gets the point well enough. They go into way too much detail that I did not care to really talk about. I do love those key grams though! Since most prove me right and I do agree with them. Balance is key for happiness.*
Chapter Four
Project a Power Image
Gilda-Gram: We alone create our destiny.
Many women live mannequin lives, their opinions mirror those of everyone but themselves. They are women without power.
Men don’t want to share power. Why should they? Power is fun. It’s an aphrodisiac. –Cathleen Black
For women to get power we must create it ourselves. Even if you are shot down at first, never depend on a man to hand you power.
Gilda-Gram: If he doesn’t want you on his team, form your own.
For a woman to get power, she must take it, she must project it, and she must command that others respect it. If she gets criticized, so be it. There is a price that comes with it, but in the long run it’s worth it. This power does not come from controlling others, it comes from within.
Gilda-Gram: Before we fantasize being liked, we need to like ourselves.
Being able to find a balance in all aspects of life will make you feel whole. Being in control is important but so is being able to compromise. When we believe in and trust ourselves to choose appropriately, we can become balanced. A balanced woman is adaptable and is free to choose. She is free to exercise her power, for she is in control of her life and if others don’t like it’s their fault.
Power is never control over anyone; that only verify’s their insecurity. Real power is our deepest sense of inner peace, our comfort in knowing who we are and what we deserve. Knowing what we stand for and being willing to state it is our greatest strength.
Gilda-Gram: Take full responsibility for your own happiness.
A fully responsible woman is inviting to a worthy man.
Gilda-Gram: Praise and blame are both the same thing.
Gilda-Gram: We alone create our destiny.
Things happen that we have no control over, but we can control how we react to these things.
Gilda-Gram: Expect your every need will be met. Expect that you will meet each one yourself.
Gilda-Gram: Power is as power does. Power does as power feels. Power feels as power thinks. When we think of power, we project power.
Gilda-Gram: Nothing that you ever do can change the fact that you are you.
Gilda-Gram: Only part of beauty is in the eye of the beholder; we carry the other part in our image of ourselves.
Gilda-Gram: People make contact with people they like, and people like people like themselves. Put forth your most honest self and share it freely with others. Learn to wisely apportion the amount of giving so that your own needs don’t go unnoticed or unmet.
*There was lot to this chapter, just too much to summarize, and those grams gets the point well enough. They go into way too much detail that I did not care to really talk about. I do love those key grams though! Since most prove me right and I do agree with them. Balance is key for happiness.*
Thursday, February 12, 2009
DBP Chapter Three
*I do rewrite the way some of this is written since she writes it in first person or may talk about someone else. I know this is meant for women but I think the same can be true for men. Men can be this way too and there are lessons that I know some men need to learn also.*
Don't Bet On the Prince by Dr.Gilda Carle
Chapter Three
Ask for What You Need and Believe You Deserve to Get It
Gilda-Gram: What we believe we deserve is what we receive.
Anatomy of a Will-Be Women: They have it all. They use hard times to reinvest in themselves. Directed by personal goals and are not affected by others’ attitudes. They don’t sit around shivering in the winter; they go skiing. Men of quality love these women.
Anatomy of a Wanna-Be Woman: They want to be like the Will-Be Women. Instead of self-improvement they complain and stay as they are. They feel helpless in controlling their own lives. They dispense cynicism, pessimism, or hopelessness to everyone they meet. Men with little to offer want Wanna-Be Women.
Needy women believe that they either don’t deserve any love or don’t deserve quality love from a quality guy, they usually attract men who are abusive, distant, or unavailable.
Gilda-Gram: People attract people like themselves.
*Wasn't much to say here, it should explain it’s self. But also often I know I attract people the opposite of myself too, but when that happens and they aren’t the kind of people that are like me, then I cut the ties, and sadly too often since people are afraid to be themselves, I find out too late. So if you are depressed and emotionally unstable you’ll attract that kind of person, if you are happy and optimistic you’ll attract those kinds of people and then some!*
Gilda-Gram: When something happens to us, it really happens to us.
Pain pushes us to open our eyes. Cut out the thing that makes you unhappy and you will discover freedom, independence and a belief that you deserve to be happy. When we are pushed to the brink, we draw from strengths we never knew we had. Realize that you do not need a man to take you where your soul is hiding. Learn to stand on your own two feet before you think of coupling, so that you can attract a better man.
Will-Be women differentiate needs from wants, they’ve set their priorities and believe they deserve to receive what they should have.
Before we seek a soul mate, we must first unearth our soul. First discover what you need. Second determine what you want and learn how to ask for it. Third project that we deserve to get what we believe we should have. Our needs motivate us, we need to survive.
Many women think they need a close relationship when they really only want a close relationship.
Gilda-Gram: If you don’t know what you need, you won’t get what you want.
Many of us confuse our needs and wants. Our needs program what we require to sustain ourselves and demand fulfillment. Like when we are hungry our body tells us we need to eat. But what we decide to eat is based on our wants. If a steak isn’t available we might settle for a bag of pretzels. Our want would not be fulfilled but our need would be and we still go on. Needs are what you must have to survive. Wants are what you prefer to have to feel good. Want can often be so strong that it mimic’s need. You must be aware of it to conquer it.
Depending on a man for things we can do for ourselves gives women a false sense of security and it makes us needy. A woman must understand that she can survive without being in a relationship. Having a man is a luxury than a necessity.
Asking for what we want is a problem for most because there is fear of being denied, being too aggressive, or that we won’t be liked. In fear of losing the person we think we need we hold our tongues about issues. Every woman is responsible to share her wants. If she doesn’t, she is setting herself up for continued disappointment and letting him get what he needs and wants.
When you do not express your needs and wants you do not communicate honestly. Buried feelings don’t just disappear and they show up in other ways. Many people believe they don’t deserve to get what they need or want. We have our own unique deserve level and that measures what we get from life. We create for ourselves exactly what we believe we deserve to get, nothing more, and nothing less. Your deserve level is the electrical wiring that delineates your boundaries and commands respect. It lets people know where you stand so that they can determine where they stand in relation to you. When you send messages that you are deserving people unwittingly treat you as you are “telling” them to.
A strong deserve level is necessary in seeking a partner and sustaining a relationship.
Gilda-Gram: What we accept, we teach.
After you assess your deserve level, evaluate your willingness to place yourself as number one. In society that stresses that women are nurturers this might be seen as selfish. What most women learn growing up is that if they do not play down their needs and wants they won’t be loved or they will be left. Selfish is an ugly word and makes people react defensively. It’s destructive because it then validates it and the cycle goes round and round. When you ignore your feelings for your partners makes you become selfless and then they walk all over you. The behavior we accept from others is the way we train them to continue to behave towards us. By not putting our foot down immediately upon being slighted teaches our partner that they can continue their foul behavior and they think it’s alright since we don’t say otherwise. It must be nipped in the bud as soon as you sense it.
Gilda-Gram: Project a strong shell with a soft shell.
Practice telling yourself how great you are, real expression of your soul, the genuine and authentic representation of who you really are. The nervous system cannot tell the difference between what is real and what is imagined. So fake it till you make it real.
Gilda-Gram: Eventually your outer mask becomes your inner soul.
The more often you praise yourself, the more you will raise your deserver level, and the more comfortable you will be in stating your needs and wants. When we run from our honesty we attract men who aren’t honest about themselves.
*You have to love yourself in order to have loved returned. Be honest and true with yourself and never hide who you are. Loving yourself is not about being vain but accepting who you are for better or for worse. Embrace all of who you are. Don’t be narcissistic about it, just be humble about it. No one is perfect and no will ever be, but you are fine just he way you are. After all how do you expect someone to love you if you don’t love yourself? Don’t eve be afraid to be yourself, if they can’t love you for who you are then it’s their loss and they don’t deserve you.**
Don't Bet On the Prince by Dr.Gilda Carle
Chapter Three
Ask for What You Need and Believe You Deserve to Get It
Gilda-Gram: What we believe we deserve is what we receive.
Anatomy of a Will-Be Women: They have it all. They use hard times to reinvest in themselves. Directed by personal goals and are not affected by others’ attitudes. They don’t sit around shivering in the winter; they go skiing. Men of quality love these women.
Anatomy of a Wanna-Be Woman: They want to be like the Will-Be Women. Instead of self-improvement they complain and stay as they are. They feel helpless in controlling their own lives. They dispense cynicism, pessimism, or hopelessness to everyone they meet. Men with little to offer want Wanna-Be Women.
Needy women believe that they either don’t deserve any love or don’t deserve quality love from a quality guy, they usually attract men who are abusive, distant, or unavailable.
Gilda-Gram: People attract people like themselves.
*Wasn't much to say here, it should explain it’s self. But also often I know I attract people the opposite of myself too, but when that happens and they aren’t the kind of people that are like me, then I cut the ties, and sadly too often since people are afraid to be themselves, I find out too late. So if you are depressed and emotionally unstable you’ll attract that kind of person, if you are happy and optimistic you’ll attract those kinds of people and then some!*
Gilda-Gram: When something happens to us, it really happens to us.
Pain pushes us to open our eyes. Cut out the thing that makes you unhappy and you will discover freedom, independence and a belief that you deserve to be happy. When we are pushed to the brink, we draw from strengths we never knew we had. Realize that you do not need a man to take you where your soul is hiding. Learn to stand on your own two feet before you think of coupling, so that you can attract a better man.
Will-Be women differentiate needs from wants, they’ve set their priorities and believe they deserve to receive what they should have.
Before we seek a soul mate, we must first unearth our soul. First discover what you need. Second determine what you want and learn how to ask for it. Third project that we deserve to get what we believe we should have. Our needs motivate us, we need to survive.
Many women think they need a close relationship when they really only want a close relationship.
Gilda-Gram: If you don’t know what you need, you won’t get what you want.
Many of us confuse our needs and wants. Our needs program what we require to sustain ourselves and demand fulfillment. Like when we are hungry our body tells us we need to eat. But what we decide to eat is based on our wants. If a steak isn’t available we might settle for a bag of pretzels. Our want would not be fulfilled but our need would be and we still go on. Needs are what you must have to survive. Wants are what you prefer to have to feel good. Want can often be so strong that it mimic’s need. You must be aware of it to conquer it.
Depending on a man for things we can do for ourselves gives women a false sense of security and it makes us needy. A woman must understand that she can survive without being in a relationship. Having a man is a luxury than a necessity.
Asking for what we want is a problem for most because there is fear of being denied, being too aggressive, or that we won’t be liked. In fear of losing the person we think we need we hold our tongues about issues. Every woman is responsible to share her wants. If she doesn’t, she is setting herself up for continued disappointment and letting him get what he needs and wants.
When you do not express your needs and wants you do not communicate honestly. Buried feelings don’t just disappear and they show up in other ways. Many people believe they don’t deserve to get what they need or want. We have our own unique deserve level and that measures what we get from life. We create for ourselves exactly what we believe we deserve to get, nothing more, and nothing less. Your deserve level is the electrical wiring that delineates your boundaries and commands respect. It lets people know where you stand so that they can determine where they stand in relation to you. When you send messages that you are deserving people unwittingly treat you as you are “telling” them to.
A strong deserve level is necessary in seeking a partner and sustaining a relationship.
Gilda-Gram: What we accept, we teach.
After you assess your deserve level, evaluate your willingness to place yourself as number one. In society that stresses that women are nurturers this might be seen as selfish. What most women learn growing up is that if they do not play down their needs and wants they won’t be loved or they will be left. Selfish is an ugly word and makes people react defensively. It’s destructive because it then validates it and the cycle goes round and round. When you ignore your feelings for your partners makes you become selfless and then they walk all over you. The behavior we accept from others is the way we train them to continue to behave towards us. By not putting our foot down immediately upon being slighted teaches our partner that they can continue their foul behavior and they think it’s alright since we don’t say otherwise. It must be nipped in the bud as soon as you sense it.
Gilda-Gram: Project a strong shell with a soft shell.
Practice telling yourself how great you are, real expression of your soul, the genuine and authentic representation of who you really are. The nervous system cannot tell the difference between what is real and what is imagined. So fake it till you make it real.
Gilda-Gram: Eventually your outer mask becomes your inner soul.
The more often you praise yourself, the more you will raise your deserver level, and the more comfortable you will be in stating your needs and wants. When we run from our honesty we attract men who aren’t honest about themselves.
*You have to love yourself in order to have loved returned. Be honest and true with yourself and never hide who you are. Loving yourself is not about being vain but accepting who you are for better or for worse. Embrace all of who you are. Don’t be narcissistic about it, just be humble about it. No one is perfect and no will ever be, but you are fine just he way you are. After all how do you expect someone to love you if you don’t love yourself? Don’t eve be afraid to be yourself, if they can’t love you for who you are then it’s their loss and they don’t deserve you.**
Monday, February 9, 2009
DBP Chapter Two
Don't Bet On the Prince by Dr.Gilda Carle
Chapter Two
Women Who Bet on the Prince: We’re All in Good Company
Gilda-Gram: Commit to yourself instead of waiting for a prince to commit to you.
Why can’t we enjoy life for itself without a man and enhance our life with one after we have already established ourselves as whole people? Why don’t we supplant the desperation with a desire for enhancement? Every one of us was raised to bet on some prince, women were raised to believe our soul mate was put on this earth to romance us, save us, protect us and take care of us. WE may come from different oceans but we wind up on the same boat, the one labeled “I’m less of a Sailor without a first mate”. Since we attract out of desperation our “soul mate” is more like a “fill-a-hole mate”. We believe that two halves are required to make us whole. We fall in love with our complementary opposite, who also reflects the worst traits from our parents. But once love becomes commitment the romance screeches to a halt and we enter the same power struggle patterns we learned at birth.
Nothing in life that has any value can be created without this absolute commitment. Only when we are self-accepting can we begin to see our partners as they really are.
Gilda-Gram: A relationship’s real objective is to provide the journey for our own personal growth.
Women are fixed on getting the relationship instead of growing it. Women must commit themselves to themselves first. Uphold your right to your behavior and personality and let your partner’s efforts to overpower you with their preferences slide. He should respect your unwillingness to oscillate his attempted domination. You should feel safe with him when there is a deeply established respect and you won’t lose yourself in his company. With him you should continue your personal growth. Losing ourselves to someone we love is a surefire way for us to lose ourselves. That also usually results in losing our love.
It is up to every woman herself to provide the means to rise from the ashes of dependence. A partner can never make a woman whole. Love is not an all or nothing proposition that will fulfill all our needs or none of them. Acquiring love is only part of the challenge; maintaining it over time is the test.
When you begin your romance by believing in, loving and betting on a prince you do not live happily ever after. It was not the prince’s fault, but hers because she assigned him superhuman expectations and allowed him privileges with her power that she should have reserved for herself. Self respect is the basis for a couple’s lasting love.
There are women out there that continue to suffer anorexia, bulimia, emotional/physical pain and abuse just to be loved by a fake prince. Love is not supposed to damage and hurt you. Reinterpret love as an act of extending an already enriched self that will never put up with a man’s put-downs.
Each time you agree with something that goes against your grain, day by day you lose yourself. Many times we will follow our parent’s footsteps with relationships since we don’t see otherwise. Assess the choices we make and re-create new and bolder versions of who we are to become. When a woman wears her heart on a sleeve on which a man can wipe his sniveling nose, it’s an open invitation for disaster. A woman who thinks well of herself understands that he next mistake will be a new mistake, not reruns of the old scenarios.
The only way to keep a man coming around is to keep him intrigued with who we are, not jus tour bodies but with our selves, for carnal delights fade quickly. Feeling good about yourself insures the right to control your own destiny in the face of peer pressure. The sooner you open your legs, the quicker the guy closes his heart.
Gilda-Gram: Happiness begins when we recognize reality.
Once we recognize where we are we can create a more hopeful but realistic dream. Beating yourself up about something is needless and de-energizing. Use assessment as a starting point to begin your commitment to take action. Take it as an agreement with yourself to start making the changes you need to enhance your life.
Chapter Two
Women Who Bet on the Prince: We’re All in Good Company
Gilda-Gram: Commit to yourself instead of waiting for a prince to commit to you.
Why can’t we enjoy life for itself without a man and enhance our life with one after we have already established ourselves as whole people? Why don’t we supplant the desperation with a desire for enhancement? Every one of us was raised to bet on some prince, women were raised to believe our soul mate was put on this earth to romance us, save us, protect us and take care of us. WE may come from different oceans but we wind up on the same boat, the one labeled “I’m less of a Sailor without a first mate”. Since we attract out of desperation our “soul mate” is more like a “fill-a-hole mate”. We believe that two halves are required to make us whole. We fall in love with our complementary opposite, who also reflects the worst traits from our parents. But once love becomes commitment the romance screeches to a halt and we enter the same power struggle patterns we learned at birth.
Nothing in life that has any value can be created without this absolute commitment. Only when we are self-accepting can we begin to see our partners as they really are.
Gilda-Gram: A relationship’s real objective is to provide the journey for our own personal growth.
Women are fixed on getting the relationship instead of growing it. Women must commit themselves to themselves first. Uphold your right to your behavior and personality and let your partner’s efforts to overpower you with their preferences slide. He should respect your unwillingness to oscillate his attempted domination. You should feel safe with him when there is a deeply established respect and you won’t lose yourself in his company. With him you should continue your personal growth. Losing ourselves to someone we love is a surefire way for us to lose ourselves. That also usually results in losing our love.
It is up to every woman herself to provide the means to rise from the ashes of dependence. A partner can never make a woman whole. Love is not an all or nothing proposition that will fulfill all our needs or none of them. Acquiring love is only part of the challenge; maintaining it over time is the test.
When you begin your romance by believing in, loving and betting on a prince you do not live happily ever after. It was not the prince’s fault, but hers because she assigned him superhuman expectations and allowed him privileges with her power that she should have reserved for herself. Self respect is the basis for a couple’s lasting love.
There are women out there that continue to suffer anorexia, bulimia, emotional/physical pain and abuse just to be loved by a fake prince. Love is not supposed to damage and hurt you. Reinterpret love as an act of extending an already enriched self that will never put up with a man’s put-downs.
Each time you agree with something that goes against your grain, day by day you lose yourself. Many times we will follow our parent’s footsteps with relationships since we don’t see otherwise. Assess the choices we make and re-create new and bolder versions of who we are to become. When a woman wears her heart on a sleeve on which a man can wipe his sniveling nose, it’s an open invitation for disaster. A woman who thinks well of herself understands that he next mistake will be a new mistake, not reruns of the old scenarios.
The only way to keep a man coming around is to keep him intrigued with who we are, not jus tour bodies but with our selves, for carnal delights fade quickly. Feeling good about yourself insures the right to control your own destiny in the face of peer pressure. The sooner you open your legs, the quicker the guy closes his heart.
Gilda-Gram: Happiness begins when we recognize reality.
Once we recognize where we are we can create a more hopeful but realistic dream. Beating yourself up about something is needless and de-energizing. Use assessment as a starting point to begin your commitment to take action. Take it as an agreement with yourself to start making the changes you need to enhance your life.
DBP Chapter One
*Here is a great book that I am reading. I started to have this mind set even before I started reading it. Since I'm not good with putting my thoughts into words for others to understand I thought I would start to share it with you since I agree with it and it brings inspiration.*
Don't Bet On the Prince by Dr.Gilda Carle
This book is a manual for women to succeed in love by establishing their personal power, protecting it and attracting partners who respect it and reflect it. To help women develop skills to find men who think the world of her because she thinks the world of herself.
Chapter One
When We Dream of Princes, We Wake Up with Toads
Gilda-Gram: Ask “I am who?” before saying “I do.”
A woman’s capacity to love would not result in her loss of self if her self-esteem were well entrenched before she chose a mate. The love we give to a partner is secondhand; our first and primary love is the love we give ourselves. Women use intimacy to establish their identity.
As young girls we learn that men are kings who belonged on thrones and that someday our prince would come and that is only objective in life is to save us from whatever lay ahead. We thought in order to be chosen we must be frozen. Unfortunately kissing a toad only gets lime in our mouth.
If we can’t find our Prince Charming we try and manufacture him, thinking he will eventually change. We often entrust them to take charge because they should know best and that they should be smarter than us. Both of those are the first nails in our coffin.
To be loved we silence our needs, wants, feelings and passions. When we become a pair we shut down the things that used to turn us on and by doing so extinguish our souls. We think a man can take care of us. After all of those fairy tales and blockbusters, you believe that a happy ending is possible. Women learn to down play their virtues and play up his because they fear that if they are better then they will be abandon.
Princes have their own problems and they don’t need ours. Men seem to need the warmth and caretaking women provide more than we need them to help us. Illness, depression, and suicide are reported to be higher among single men than married ones. While single women are better off being single than those that are married, since they have higher depression rate.
Gilda-Gram: If we always do what we’ve always done, we’ll always go where we’ve always gone.
Snap out of your former habits! Remember men will hold on to their power at any cost. A smart woman accepts her partner’s fear of closeness, doesn’t take it personally, and invests in her own life so she doesn’t feel abandoned.
Gilda-Gram: Choose, rather than be chosen.
Women must cease emptying their own potency into the hands of someone else. Revisit fairy tales. They teach us that finding love takes time and that pain must be endured and risks taken for us to grow. There are no happy endings without a lot of turmoil and hard work. We learned that victory would be measured not by the power we have over others, but by the power we have in ourselves.
Love is a paradox. A woman’s power is a real mans aphrodisiac.
Gilda-Gram: Make yourself the prize before you prize a partner.
We have bet on the wrong person, another person, rather than the one reflected in the mirror. Our mistake is relaying on our men instead of striving first to better our own lives. Rather than searching for love, seek to be lovable. When you act from the heart, it’s not a manipulative means of playing hard to get. You are simply into your own life, thereby making yourself a better prize.
Don’t be on the prince, bet on yourself and protect the message that you’re worth it.
Gilda-Gram: Don’t be on the prince. Bet on yourself. Self-love is never unrequited.
Don't Bet On the Prince by Dr.Gilda Carle
This book is a manual for women to succeed in love by establishing their personal power, protecting it and attracting partners who respect it and reflect it. To help women develop skills to find men who think the world of her because she thinks the world of herself.
Chapter One
When We Dream of Princes, We Wake Up with Toads
Gilda-Gram: Ask “I am who?” before saying “I do.”
A woman’s capacity to love would not result in her loss of self if her self-esteem were well entrenched before she chose a mate. The love we give to a partner is secondhand; our first and primary love is the love we give ourselves. Women use intimacy to establish their identity.
As young girls we learn that men are kings who belonged on thrones and that someday our prince would come and that is only objective in life is to save us from whatever lay ahead. We thought in order to be chosen we must be frozen. Unfortunately kissing a toad only gets lime in our mouth.
If we can’t find our Prince Charming we try and manufacture him, thinking he will eventually change. We often entrust them to take charge because they should know best and that they should be smarter than us. Both of those are the first nails in our coffin.
To be loved we silence our needs, wants, feelings and passions. When we become a pair we shut down the things that used to turn us on and by doing so extinguish our souls. We think a man can take care of us. After all of those fairy tales and blockbusters, you believe that a happy ending is possible. Women learn to down play their virtues and play up his because they fear that if they are better then they will be abandon.
Princes have their own problems and they don’t need ours. Men seem to need the warmth and caretaking women provide more than we need them to help us. Illness, depression, and suicide are reported to be higher among single men than married ones. While single women are better off being single than those that are married, since they have higher depression rate.
Gilda-Gram: If we always do what we’ve always done, we’ll always go where we’ve always gone.
Snap out of your former habits! Remember men will hold on to their power at any cost. A smart woman accepts her partner’s fear of closeness, doesn’t take it personally, and invests in her own life so she doesn’t feel abandoned.
Gilda-Gram: Choose, rather than be chosen.
Women must cease emptying their own potency into the hands of someone else. Revisit fairy tales. They teach us that finding love takes time and that pain must be endured and risks taken for us to grow. There are no happy endings without a lot of turmoil and hard work. We learned that victory would be measured not by the power we have over others, but by the power we have in ourselves.
Love is a paradox. A woman’s power is a real mans aphrodisiac.
Gilda-Gram: Make yourself the prize before you prize a partner.
We have bet on the wrong person, another person, rather than the one reflected in the mirror. Our mistake is relaying on our men instead of striving first to better our own lives. Rather than searching for love, seek to be lovable. When you act from the heart, it’s not a manipulative means of playing hard to get. You are simply into your own life, thereby making yourself a better prize.
Don’t be on the prince, bet on yourself and protect the message that you’re worth it.
Gilda-Gram: Don’t be on the prince. Bet on yourself. Self-love is never unrequited.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Being a Friend
A friend is someone you can count on and that would have your back. A friend is someone you can respect. You are loyal to them and they are loyal to you. A friend will share enjoyable activities and hardships. They have the desire to want what is best for you, often to the point of altruism. A friend is someone who is empathic and gives sympathy. They are happy to listen to you.
A friend is someone who is honest even when others can’t be truthful. A friend will not try to change you but they will help to guide you and give you advice, even if you do listen. A friend is like a good pair of jeans; flattering, fitting and cover your butt when you need it the most. A friend is someone who cares to understand you and takes the time to understand you. A friend is someone you can be yourself around without fear of judgment. They embrace you for all your glory and flaws.
It is a give and give then receive relationship. The best way to have a friend is to be one first.
A friend is someone who is honest even when others can’t be truthful. A friend will not try to change you but they will help to guide you and give you advice, even if you do listen. A friend is like a good pair of jeans; flattering, fitting and cover your butt when you need it the most. A friend is someone who cares to understand you and takes the time to understand you. A friend is someone you can be yourself around without fear of judgment. They embrace you for all your glory and flaws.
It is a give and give then receive relationship. The best way to have a friend is to be one first.
Relationship Rules
Relationship Rules Tips on How to Build a Healthy Love Life with your Spouse by Hara Estroff Marano
Human beings crave intimacy, need to love and be loved. Yet people have much trouble doing so.
It's clear from the many letters I get that lots of folks have no idea what a healthy relationship even looks like. Because I care about these things, and care about the environments children grow in, I'm using this space as an attempt to remedy the problem—again.
From many sources and many experts, I have culled some basic rules of relationships. This is by no means an exhaustive list. But it's a start. Print them out and pin them up on your refrigerator door. I won't test you on them—but life will.
Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others.
Know your partner's beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don't want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they'll create it where it doesn't exist.
Don't confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.
Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.
Respect, respect, respect. Inside and outside the relationship, act in ways so that your partner always maintains respect for you. Mutual respect is essential to a good relationship.
View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team—your differences.
Know how to manage differences; it's the key to success in a relationship. Disagreements don't sink relationships. Name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people. Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them.
If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don't assume.
Solve problems as they arise. Don't let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defenses against one another and to become strangers. Or enemies.
Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by the culture. Couples create their own roles, so that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good will prevails. Because people's needs are fluid and change over time, and life's demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.
Listen, truly listen, to your partner's concerns and complaints without judgment. Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need for solving problems. Plus it opens the door to confiding. And empathy is crucial. Look at things from your partner's perspective as well as your own.
Work hard at maintaining closeness. Closeness doesn't happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn't an end goal; it's a lifelong process maintained through regular attention.
Take a long-range view. A marriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you're both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly.
Never underestimate the power of good grooming.
Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadnesses as well as hopes and dreams.
Apologize, apologize, apologize. Anyone can make a mistake. Repair attempts are crucial—highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic—but willingness to make up after an argument is central to every happy marriage.
Some dependency is good, but complete dependency on a partner for all one's needs is an invitation to unhappiness for both partners. We're all dependent to a degree—on friends, mentors, spouses. This is true of men as well as women.
Maintain self-respect and self-esteem. It's easier for someone to like you and to be around you when you like yourself. Research has shown that the more roles people fill, the more sources of self-esteem they have. Meaningful work—paid or volunteer—has long been one of the most important ways to exercise and fortify a sense of self.
Enrich your relationship by bringing into it new interests from outside the relationship. The more passions in life that you have and share, the richer your relationship will be. It is unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs in life.
Cooperate, cooperate, cooperate. Share responsibilities. Relationships work ONLY when they are two-way streets, with much give and take.
Stay open to spontaneity.
Maintain your energy. Stay healthy.
Recognize that all relationships have their ups and downs and do not ride at a continuous high all the time. Working together through the hard times will make the relationship stronger.
Make good sense of a bad relationship by examining it as a reflection of your beliefs about yourself. Don't just run away from a bad relationship; you'll only repeat it with the next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself, to understand what in you is creating this relationship. Change yourself before you change your relationship.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-3542.html&fromMod=emailed
*Not in my own words but I do agree with this and this is what I believe*
Remember that an ultimatum leads to resentment or abandonment.
Human beings crave intimacy, need to love and be loved. Yet people have much trouble doing so.
It's clear from the many letters I get that lots of folks have no idea what a healthy relationship even looks like. Because I care about these things, and care about the environments children grow in, I'm using this space as an attempt to remedy the problem—again.
From many sources and many experts, I have culled some basic rules of relationships. This is by no means an exhaustive list. But it's a start. Print them out and pin them up on your refrigerator door. I won't test you on them—but life will.
Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others.
Know your partner's beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don't want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they'll create it where it doesn't exist.
Don't confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.
Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.
Respect, respect, respect. Inside and outside the relationship, act in ways so that your partner always maintains respect for you. Mutual respect is essential to a good relationship.
View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team—your differences.
Know how to manage differences; it's the key to success in a relationship. Disagreements don't sink relationships. Name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people. Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them.
If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don't assume.
Solve problems as they arise. Don't let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defenses against one another and to become strangers. Or enemies.
Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by the culture. Couples create their own roles, so that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good will prevails. Because people's needs are fluid and change over time, and life's demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.
Listen, truly listen, to your partner's concerns and complaints without judgment. Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need for solving problems. Plus it opens the door to confiding. And empathy is crucial. Look at things from your partner's perspective as well as your own.
Work hard at maintaining closeness. Closeness doesn't happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn't an end goal; it's a lifelong process maintained through regular attention.
Take a long-range view. A marriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you're both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly.
Never underestimate the power of good grooming.
Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadnesses as well as hopes and dreams.
Apologize, apologize, apologize. Anyone can make a mistake. Repair attempts are crucial—highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic—but willingness to make up after an argument is central to every happy marriage.
Some dependency is good, but complete dependency on a partner for all one's needs is an invitation to unhappiness for both partners. We're all dependent to a degree—on friends, mentors, spouses. This is true of men as well as women.
Maintain self-respect and self-esteem. It's easier for someone to like you and to be around you when you like yourself. Research has shown that the more roles people fill, the more sources of self-esteem they have. Meaningful work—paid or volunteer—has long been one of the most important ways to exercise and fortify a sense of self.
Enrich your relationship by bringing into it new interests from outside the relationship. The more passions in life that you have and share, the richer your relationship will be. It is unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs in life.
Cooperate, cooperate, cooperate. Share responsibilities. Relationships work ONLY when they are two-way streets, with much give and take.
Stay open to spontaneity.
Maintain your energy. Stay healthy.
Recognize that all relationships have their ups and downs and do not ride at a continuous high all the time. Working together through the hard times will make the relationship stronger.
Make good sense of a bad relationship by examining it as a reflection of your beliefs about yourself. Don't just run away from a bad relationship; you'll only repeat it with the next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself, to understand what in you is creating this relationship. Change yourself before you change your relationship.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-3542.html&fromMod=emailed
*Not in my own words but I do agree with this and this is what I believe*
Remember that an ultimatum leads to resentment or abandonment.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
the Brain Explained
Men and Women use their brains in vastly different ways.
Hippocampus (where memories are formed): Occupies a smaller percent of the male brain than the female brain. Here size matters. Women remember everything, from the small to the big.
Amygdala: Women use the left part that creates emotional reactions to events and use it to put their memories in order by emotional strength. The right hemisphere of the brain remembers the finer details. Men use the right part to put their memories in order and therefore the right hemisphere is associated with the central action of an event.
*So men next time a women tells you of a memory it’s more likely to be right so listen to her and do not doubt her. So women do not get mad if your guy can’t remember the finer details, if he at least remembers the event be happy with that, for that is how their brain works.*
Orbitofrontal Cortex (involved in regulating emotions): Women have a larger percent ratio to the amygdala than male brains do. Women are better at responding calmly to rudeness or aggression. *So men remember next time you feel like punching someone, keep a women’s approach to be calm. But there are times when this is also reversed and sometimes women can be more aggressive than males.*
Limbic Cortex (involved in emotional responses): Again in males it is smaller than the females. That is why men are not god at reading subtle emotional cues. It is thicker in women so they see shades of meaning in small gestures and the thoughtfulness of behind the gesture. *That is also why males appear to be more shy and too scared to make the first move, so women be bold and tell them flat out how you feel. I’ll be doing that to my crush next time I see him. So men also remember that small gestures count and women are watching your every move.*
Frontal and Temporal Lobes (language processing): They are thinner in males than females. Women excel in being able to come up with appropriate words, men not so much. Women are wired to be more language centric than men’s. *I think that is funny since I am not like that, yes I can write and my poetry is decent, but when it comes to talking I’m not good at expressing myself. So I’ve know more cases that it was reversed.*
Serotonin (the chemical that influences mood): Males produce more than females. That is why they are unlikely to tear up, he has healthy dose of it. Since women produce less of that happy chemical they are more prone to depression. *So men remember next time if she’s down, even though it might not be a big deal to you it is to her, know that she has less serotonin than you, help make her feel good and express some happiness to her.*
Hypothalamus – the preoptic area, in charge of mating behavior: In men this is twice as large and has twice as many cells as women have. That is why they have a higher sex drive than women. *In the rare cases this is also reversed too. I have meet one woman who has the mind set that she is always ready to go. More often I end up having a bigger sex drive then my partner.*
*Even in women they use their brain differently. Even in men they use their brain differently. And that is because we are not simple creatures. We are complicated humans. But at least it keeps us interesting.*
From the articles
The Male Brain, Explained & The Female Brian, Explainedby Laura Schafer
Lies in all Shapes
Everybody lies but why they lie is always different. It could be small and harmless or big and serious. Even the small harmless ones can destroy a relationship, especially when they are frequent. People lie because they can, people lie when they don’t feel safe telling the truth, people lie to get what they want, people lie because they can get away with it, and some people lie just because they like too. Nothing excuses the behavior. But it’s easier to pull out teeth then it is to stop. So start with yourself first.
Build a relationship based on good intentions and acting on goodwill. Treat your partner’s feelings as if they are your own. Create an environment with zero tolerance for adversarial energy between you both. You can also hook each other up to a polygraph machine or you can learn to listen and trust your gut. Have ground rules, open communication, and strategies for how to proceed.
Think of how you feel when you are lied to and how you feel when you find out the truth. If something caused you pain why would you do it to someone else. So put yourself in the other’s place and think of how you would feel.
When you catch a lie your trust is damaged. You can learn to forgive but you will never forget. If they consistently lie and lose your trust (big/small) then leave them and don’t let them talk their way back into your life. If they have done it once they always do it again. The stress of a pathology liar is not worth the comfort of dreams.
A relationship built on lies falls apart at the truth.
*I know there are also some people who would rather be lied to then being told the truth. I have done that and I hated it but they felt like they left me no choice since they did not want the truth and it hurt me more. So I have put that behind me, I will not lie because it hurts me and it hurts them either way. Yes I may lie from time to time still, it is a human nature, and sometimes it is needed to illustrate a point or because I just don’t know how to deal with some people. But I am striving to be honest with myself first so I can be honest with others. For I hate being lied to and I would rather have the truth, because once I find out the lie it hurts more than what was lied about. So if people can not handle my bluntness then I do not need them around because I will not lie to you even if you want me too. If you do not want me to tell you the truth then do not ask me.*
Build a relationship based on good intentions and acting on goodwill. Treat your partner’s feelings as if they are your own. Create an environment with zero tolerance for adversarial energy between you both. You can also hook each other up to a polygraph machine or you can learn to listen and trust your gut. Have ground rules, open communication, and strategies for how to proceed.
Think of how you feel when you are lied to and how you feel when you find out the truth. If something caused you pain why would you do it to someone else. So put yourself in the other’s place and think of how you would feel.
When you catch a lie your trust is damaged. You can learn to forgive but you will never forget. If they consistently lie and lose your trust (big/small) then leave them and don’t let them talk their way back into your life. If they have done it once they always do it again. The stress of a pathology liar is not worth the comfort of dreams.
A relationship built on lies falls apart at the truth.
*I know there are also some people who would rather be lied to then being told the truth. I have done that and I hated it but they felt like they left me no choice since they did not want the truth and it hurt me more. So I have put that behind me, I will not lie because it hurts me and it hurts them either way. Yes I may lie from time to time still, it is a human nature, and sometimes it is needed to illustrate a point or because I just don’t know how to deal with some people. But I am striving to be honest with myself first so I can be honest with others. For I hate being lied to and I would rather have the truth, because once I find out the lie it hurts more than what was lied about. So if people can not handle my bluntness then I do not need them around because I will not lie to you even if you want me too. If you do not want me to tell you the truth then do not ask me.*
Some things about Marriage
Marriage is not a destination; it’s a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium. It takes work and getting married doesn’t mean you are done.
Human beings are not simple creatures. We all are complicated. Once you think you have mastered the material, it changes and you change too. As two people grow and evolve the work is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process. The effort is a forever thing, it’s a lifestyle. It is a blessing to change constantly. Checking in regularly with each other can make you both happy and involved in each other’s evolving lives. You can grow together. Find a balance between time for two and time for you. Find the right balance, neither partner feels slighted or smothered.
It is ok to go to bed angry. You need to sleep on arguments since you need to calm down, gain perspective and need to just give it a rest. You need to pinpoint why you feel hurt or why you are angry. Most spouses don’t solve problems when they are mad. The partner just gets more and more furious. When we are overwhelmed by emotions our concentration is shot and we lose the ability to resolve arguments fairly. When you can’t do that arguing gets you nowhere and bullying them will not get you anywhere and it leads to resentment.
You need to take a step back and wait until you have calmed down. Reexamine the situation and find a reason behind it. Don’t let too much time pass before expressing resentments or the anger will build up to a point where the punishment won’t match the crime. Just kiss for a few seconds to remind you of your enduring affection and sleep on it. Wait a while to get a hold of yourself and once the emotions have settled stat your position. Taking a break will help you see the problem and let it go. Hold a meeting each week in which you tell each other what you appreciated that week and then bring up one issue.
There may be dry spells in your marriage and that’s ok. It’s not a sign that you lost your appeal, it could just mean sleep is more important this week. Keep the focus on figuring out your own rhythm. Life happens; just make sure you both are still doing something like hugging and kissing. A little touch and attention can keep you feeling connected. Sex is more than a physical act. It’s crucial for the health of your emotional connection, something only you two share. It can draw you back together when you are drifting apart.
Both of you may feel like you are the one who is always right and horns get locked. But the more right one of you becomes the more discontented your partner is. For certain disagreements there are no right or wrong, there is just your way of looking at things and their way. Get to know your partner and learn to appreciate them for who they are. Instead of harping on who is right or wrong sincerely acknowledge their point of view by saying “I see your point” or “I hadn’t considered it that way”. Just being heard is better than having to prove you self right.
Find a shared dream for your life together. Happy couples go on to create folklore and history. When you share a dream together it is more likely to some true.
For those that think they can change a person that they love just to make them closer to perfect believes they are doing the right thing. It always fails since we can not change a full-grown person by stripping them of decades old habits, beliefs, and feelings; it often really hurts the relationship and love. Rants only make people resentful. But you can change yourself and your attitude and how you respond to them. So instead of complaining they forgot one thing, thank them for something they did remember.
Choose each other as your first family. One in which husband and wife are the A-team. Teaming up together to deal with issues will make your united front stronger. Knowing that no matter what you have each other's back.
Build a best friendship. Trust comes with true intimacy, the willingness to be vulnerable, and the confidence that the friendship can withstand some conflict. When you are true friends you acknowledge and respect what the other person is. You don’t try to control or change them for they value you for who you are. You don’t know how strong a relationship is until it is tested. If you can make it past a big bump you can come out tighter then ever. Chaos can either rip you apart or bring you closer together. You can take turns losing it and be there to keep each other sane. Having someone be there for you through hardships can make it a lot easier to go through them. Be grateful the drama is over, there are still thorny issues, but the anxiety is gone. You no longer have to worry about being dumped. Life without the questions of something being a deal-breaker can be amazing.
When you marrying someone you agree to be there for better or worse, richer or poorer, and in sickness or health. It is saying that you want to commit to them for the rest of your life and that you would do what it takes to make it work. It insures security. Marriage can hold different meanings to some. Some people take it serious and some take it lightly. It is best to define what it means to you and how you should take it and make sure your partner agrees with you.
*I once had a guy who didn’t like the idea of marriage, it was just an expensive piece of paper and that it doesn’t mean what it used to anymore because of the divorce rates. He had no problem being committed to just one person but since I knew what marriage meant to me I knew I had to have that guarantee and security. I needed a partner that would give me that unconditional commitment and love. Since to me it goes beyond a piece of paper, it’s proving that you will stay committed to one person and will always be there through thick and thin and no matter what you will not give up. Plus it gives you a lot of benefits and can make some things a lot easier to get. To me divorce is only an option if one partner is getting abused (emotionally/physically) because abuse is not an acceptable form of expressing your love.*
Human beings are not simple creatures. We all are complicated. Once you think you have mastered the material, it changes and you change too. As two people grow and evolve the work is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process. The effort is a forever thing, it’s a lifestyle. It is a blessing to change constantly. Checking in regularly with each other can make you both happy and involved in each other’s evolving lives. You can grow together. Find a balance between time for two and time for you. Find the right balance, neither partner feels slighted or smothered.
It is ok to go to bed angry. You need to sleep on arguments since you need to calm down, gain perspective and need to just give it a rest. You need to pinpoint why you feel hurt or why you are angry. Most spouses don’t solve problems when they are mad. The partner just gets more and more furious. When we are overwhelmed by emotions our concentration is shot and we lose the ability to resolve arguments fairly. When you can’t do that arguing gets you nowhere and bullying them will not get you anywhere and it leads to resentment.
You need to take a step back and wait until you have calmed down. Reexamine the situation and find a reason behind it. Don’t let too much time pass before expressing resentments or the anger will build up to a point where the punishment won’t match the crime. Just kiss for a few seconds to remind you of your enduring affection and sleep on it. Wait a while to get a hold of yourself and once the emotions have settled stat your position. Taking a break will help you see the problem and let it go. Hold a meeting each week in which you tell each other what you appreciated that week and then bring up one issue.
There may be dry spells in your marriage and that’s ok. It’s not a sign that you lost your appeal, it could just mean sleep is more important this week. Keep the focus on figuring out your own rhythm. Life happens; just make sure you both are still doing something like hugging and kissing. A little touch and attention can keep you feeling connected. Sex is more than a physical act. It’s crucial for the health of your emotional connection, something only you two share. It can draw you back together when you are drifting apart.
Both of you may feel like you are the one who is always right and horns get locked. But the more right one of you becomes the more discontented your partner is. For certain disagreements there are no right or wrong, there is just your way of looking at things and their way. Get to know your partner and learn to appreciate them for who they are. Instead of harping on who is right or wrong sincerely acknowledge their point of view by saying “I see your point” or “I hadn’t considered it that way”. Just being heard is better than having to prove you self right.
Find a shared dream for your life together. Happy couples go on to create folklore and history. When you share a dream together it is more likely to some true.
For those that think they can change a person that they love just to make them closer to perfect believes they are doing the right thing. It always fails since we can not change a full-grown person by stripping them of decades old habits, beliefs, and feelings; it often really hurts the relationship and love. Rants only make people resentful. But you can change yourself and your attitude and how you respond to them. So instead of complaining they forgot one thing, thank them for something they did remember.
Choose each other as your first family. One in which husband and wife are the A-team. Teaming up together to deal with issues will make your united front stronger. Knowing that no matter what you have each other's back.
Build a best friendship. Trust comes with true intimacy, the willingness to be vulnerable, and the confidence that the friendship can withstand some conflict. When you are true friends you acknowledge and respect what the other person is. You don’t try to control or change them for they value you for who you are. You don’t know how strong a relationship is until it is tested. If you can make it past a big bump you can come out tighter then ever. Chaos can either rip you apart or bring you closer together. You can take turns losing it and be there to keep each other sane. Having someone be there for you through hardships can make it a lot easier to go through them. Be grateful the drama is over, there are still thorny issues, but the anxiety is gone. You no longer have to worry about being dumped. Life without the questions of something being a deal-breaker can be amazing.
When you marrying someone you agree to be there for better or worse, richer or poorer, and in sickness or health. It is saying that you want to commit to them for the rest of your life and that you would do what it takes to make it work. It insures security. Marriage can hold different meanings to some. Some people take it serious and some take it lightly. It is best to define what it means to you and how you should take it and make sure your partner agrees with you.
*I once had a guy who didn’t like the idea of marriage, it was just an expensive piece of paper and that it doesn’t mean what it used to anymore because of the divorce rates. He had no problem being committed to just one person but since I knew what marriage meant to me I knew I had to have that guarantee and security. I needed a partner that would give me that unconditional commitment and love. Since to me it goes beyond a piece of paper, it’s proving that you will stay committed to one person and will always be there through thick and thin and no matter what you will not give up. Plus it gives you a lot of benefits and can make some things a lot easier to get. To me divorce is only an option if one partner is getting abused (emotionally/physically) because abuse is not an acceptable form of expressing your love.*
Loving Diversity
Differences can make a couple dynamic, but opposites may not always last. What matters is how they actively deal with their emotional response to the differences.
You have different religion. It’s good that you are both faithful. Just take the time to understand and respect each other’s religion. Make plans to avoid future holy wars.
You have different political views. Take the attitude of curiosity about what makes the other one tick, instead of trying to change their mind. Influence each other and develop similar political attitudes. Debate can be good for your health.
You have different views on how to spend money. Financial issues are among the leading causes of divorce. When there is no meeting of the minds about money, there is no trust. As the saver you will feel burdened and betrayed since they become defiant or dishonest. Make sure you stand on the same ground, compare credit reports or bank statements and see how they are handling things in the stormy economy.
You don’t agree on kids, rather it’s none to many. For most parenthood is critical, and can be an aspect of a person identity. They may feel incomplete without it and if you don’t agree resentment may flare. Understand each others feelings on the matter and why they feel that way and try to come up with options to make both of you happy.
Your cleaning habits do not match. Make a list of chores you love to do and hate to do. Keep in mind that a man creates 7 additional hours of housecleaning for his wife. Work something out so that the chores are covered, that both make sacrifices and the house stays clean.
You spend your leisure time differently. Opposites can attract but you do want to have some things in common. Couples who play together, stay together. Sharing interest forges a bond and is good for the long haul. If you spend you leisure time differently make sure you respect them by respecting what they do and work a way to coexist together. She likes to knit and he likes to watch the game, then she can keep him company while he watches the game and she can knit. They have discovered ways to be themselves and be together.
Challenge them to see things from a different perspective. Challenge them to live up to a certain standard, show the backbone, they should become a better person as a result.
That is what love is suppose to be like.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
How I Fell or My Complete Opposite by Steven Rinella
Here is an article I just read that I think is really good since both male and female can learn from it.
Here was a man who thought he would always marry a women that was just like him, someone who loved the outdoors and hunting. He always envisioned her as the type who would jump for joy when he brought home dinner for her to skin.
He tried to persuade the women he dated to change their lifestyles to suit his own. Every time he met a girl, he’d charm her and talk about his wonderful visions and she wanted to love them too. But that always ended once he introduced them to it.
In Montana he finally started meeting outdoorsy women but each one was more trouble than the last.
He ended up meeting this women in New York. She had confidence in her choices that he would have thought silly if she wasn’t confident.
He wanted to get her on his own turf to see that they weren’t compatible. After all she didn’t represent the things that he wanted from life but he had to get over the crush.
She felt no need to pretend she wanted to be swept into his world, so if he wanted to see her they had to compromise. They had spent the time doing things no outdoorsman would ever do and he had the time of his life.
There was a force behind her opinions that made he unable to be steamrolled by him. It had made him stop focusing on what he wanted and forced him to stop being so selfish! To him is was a great feeling, like someone had opened up the curtains and let the light in.
Their romance wasn’t without its growing pains. He stormed out of their place after a fight and when she got back she let him know that if he did that again he couldn’t come back. She had made him feel small and it showed him something important.
That we play strange games with people we date, we tell them how easy it will be with us, but then things fall apart.
She lived outside of that charade. He knew it would be tough but also worth it, because she was willing to keep the same promises she asked me to make.
They went to a remote island paradise for their honeymoon. He was lying next to a woman who know what she wanted and who had the bullheadedness to get it. It made him feel secure, not threatened.
When he caught a fish and was excited about it he would yell for her to come over but she would just smile and wave being fine just where she was.
He was a rugged outdoorsman who married a city chick because she was not afraid to be herself.
*WOW, a man can learn that and change his mind…Wow. That is so GREAT. I wish more people can know this and learn from it. From both points of view and from the roles reversed. To stop being selifh and thinking you can change a person and have to have your ideal mate. I know I’m striving to be like her and I am thankful I already learned that lesson. You can be with someone that is imcompatible with you and still coexist! That is great! That is what love is about!*
Thank you Steven Rinella for writing that article and learning and growing!
Here was a man who thought he would always marry a women that was just like him, someone who loved the outdoors and hunting. He always envisioned her as the type who would jump for joy when he brought home dinner for her to skin.
He tried to persuade the women he dated to change their lifestyles to suit his own. Every time he met a girl, he’d charm her and talk about his wonderful visions and she wanted to love them too. But that always ended once he introduced them to it.
In Montana he finally started meeting outdoorsy women but each one was more trouble than the last.
He ended up meeting this women in New York. She had confidence in her choices that he would have thought silly if she wasn’t confident.
He wanted to get her on his own turf to see that they weren’t compatible. After all she didn’t represent the things that he wanted from life but he had to get over the crush.
She felt no need to pretend she wanted to be swept into his world, so if he wanted to see her they had to compromise. They had spent the time doing things no outdoorsman would ever do and he had the time of his life.
There was a force behind her opinions that made he unable to be steamrolled by him. It had made him stop focusing on what he wanted and forced him to stop being so selfish! To him is was a great feeling, like someone had opened up the curtains and let the light in.
Their romance wasn’t without its growing pains. He stormed out of their place after a fight and when she got back she let him know that if he did that again he couldn’t come back. She had made him feel small and it showed him something important.
That we play strange games with people we date, we tell them how easy it will be with us, but then things fall apart.
She lived outside of that charade. He knew it would be tough but also worth it, because she was willing to keep the same promises she asked me to make.
They went to a remote island paradise for their honeymoon. He was lying next to a woman who know what she wanted and who had the bullheadedness to get it. It made him feel secure, not threatened.
When he caught a fish and was excited about it he would yell for her to come over but she would just smile and wave being fine just where she was.
He was a rugged outdoorsman who married a city chick because she was not afraid to be herself.
*WOW, a man can learn that and change his mind…Wow. That is so GREAT. I wish more people can know this and learn from it. From both points of view and from the roles reversed. To stop being selifh and thinking you can change a person and have to have your ideal mate. I know I’m striving to be like her and I am thankful I already learned that lesson. You can be with someone that is imcompatible with you and still coexist! That is great! That is what love is about!*
Thank you Steven Rinella for writing that article and learning and growing!
Revolving Door
We may learn from painful breakups but some can’t resist the temptations of an ex. They are always on the way into your heart or on the way out. To some being alone can be more painful then being in a bad relationship, it’s heartbreaking, and trying to do it alone is overwhelming and that’s why they get stuck in a revolving door.
But it’s time to break free of that no good relationship. You ex isn’t good for you. After all your ex is an ex for a reason.
Change your routine and point of view and explore different activities, go to new places, and spend time with friends.
Figure out what is keeping your life in stalemate. Figure out why you are relying on a broken relationship and keep on returning to it. Figure out why this is pattern is not a good thing.
Reflect on it makes you feel. Write down the emotions that come to your mind when you think about breaking up with your ex or the emotions you feel when they break up with you. Most likely the list is not built upon love alone.
Keep a list of why the relationship can’t work out and why you broke up.
If you worried about going back to your ex if you happen to run into them then flee, indulge in some self-preservation. Avoiding contact might be a healthy course of action, especially if it ended badly.
If you would like to give them another chance you need to remove the love goggles first. Most of the time you can see that they were a toxic partner and that they won’t ever change. It may take months to see your ex clearly; sometimes being slighted one final time can expedite the process. If not just wait for the infatuation and hurt to wear off. They will just become another person.
If you believe them to have been a close friend and that you do not want to lose that friendship part of the relationship try to be friends without the hooking-up part. If you can’t handle being next to them without being sexually then I would forget the friendship since it shows that you can’t be close without being physical and that you weren’t friends.
Running into your ex can be an opportunity to heal things, to let go of old baggage. Giving a hug and saying you have no hard feelings against them can bring peace to your mind.
Allow yourself the freedom to be sad, angry, lonely, and so on. Once they have moved through you they will lose their potency and you will be ready to say good bye for good.
Take these tings on a case by case basis. You can never second guess the recovery speed of your heart.
*Out of all my break-ups I was able to set things right with 3/5 of them, the other 2/5 I have learn to let them go without forgiveness. Due to 2/5 of it I would certainly flee from since they brought the worst out in me. I had a revolving relationship with 1/5 and almost had a revolving one with another, but I decided to break out of that pattern and realized they are an ex for a reason and it can’t work out. And now I’m happier being by myself and know that I can move onto a better relationship.*
a Pedestal & a Mask
At the beginning of a relationship we tend to put our partner on a pedestal and we stay blind to their imperfections.
Putting your partner on a pedestal raises your expectations of who they are and who they should be, but once they do not rise to it, they fall off hard. It can really hurt the relationship and both of you, since it makes you fall out of love.
If you are really looking to find someone to love and spend your life with then do not put them on a pedestal instead look at their imperfections and find a way to turn it into a positive for that is just how they are and you learn to love them for it.
True love does not come from finding the perfect person but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
We also tend to put up a good fake front to make ourselves look better and in a few months we drop it.
Be yourself, without worrying what the other person will think of you. You shouldn’t feel like you have to be someone you are not just to be loved. A person should love you for who you are, not what you think they think you should be.
A relationship built on lies will fall apart at the truth.
BE HONEST
BE TRUE
Putting your partner on a pedestal raises your expectations of who they are and who they should be, but once they do not rise to it, they fall off hard. It can really hurt the relationship and both of you, since it makes you fall out of love.
If you are really looking to find someone to love and spend your life with then do not put them on a pedestal instead look at their imperfections and find a way to turn it into a positive for that is just how they are and you learn to love them for it.
True love does not come from finding the perfect person but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
We also tend to put up a good fake front to make ourselves look better and in a few months we drop it.
Be yourself, without worrying what the other person will think of you. You shouldn’t feel like you have to be someone you are not just to be loved. A person should love you for who you are, not what you think they think you should be.
A relationship built on lies will fall apart at the truth.
BE HONEST
BE TRUE
Seeing the Green Flags
GREEN means GO! Signs they are a keeper! From the small gestures to the big ones. Sometimes it can take a while for the green flags to show up, so give it time. Good things take time.
1) They want to meet those that are important to you and would go out of their way to do so.
2) They make scarifies and work out compromises to make both of you happy. Double green if they are civil about it.
3) They are kind to others. A person that can treat others no matter their income level or station in life will treat you in a more considerate way, no matter your profession or family.
4) They are an active listener and follow up on questions about details. It shows they are capable of caring about someone else and not just going through the motions.
5) They focus on your eyes when you are talking, it shows that what you have to say is important to them.
6) They have your sense of humor; you get each other’s jokes. It insures you will have an animated lively life together.
7) They respect your interests. They allow you to follow your passion even if it takes time away from them. A person who values you will make the most out of the time you two have or would try to enjoy it with you.
8) They accept you for all your glory and flaws. That may take time to tell if they do or not. So take the time.
9) They don’t expect the world from you. They don’t expect you to do everything for them. If someone truly adores you then the finer things shouldn’t matter.
10) They have put their emotional baggage in the closet and they don’t bring it up. They have moved on with their life and live in the here and now. A great relief!
11) They are exciting and always evolving. They like to try new things, have new hobbies, and just full of small surprises. Being bold and not afraid to take risks, always up to trying new things and exploring life.
12) They put in the effort to keep things sizzling and open to ideas by keeping the passion burning.
13) They bring out the best in you for they have your best interest at heart. They let you keep your independence and respect your sense of self.
14) They will support you in whatever you choose to do. They have your back and will be on your side through thick and thin.
15) They realize that you have their best interest at heart when they push and challenge you. If they can look at things from a different point of view and can use that to become a better person.
16) When they don’t get upset at you for disagreeing with them, it shows respect for your opinions.
17) They realize what you do and what they do and acknowledge it. From the good to the bad.
18) His emotional intelligence matches yours, along with your immaturity and maturity.
19) They are more concerned with your recovery if you have been hurt and will recognize barriers and support them by backing off.
20) They don’t get easily jealous, it shows that they are secure in the relationship and trust you.
21) ALL the complete opposite of the red flags!
* Watch out for those fake green flags, I know from experience that someone can still show you these green flags but they turn out to be fake since they weren’t sincere and was only out to make themselves happy, not caring to make someone else happy, but all the red flags were there too. I know some of you out there might use this to get what you want and put up a great fake front to get it, but if you abuse these and are not sincere with them then that is creating bad karma for you. So please don’t abuse this for your own personal gain, do not create bad karma. Be sincere and honest; don’t be selfish or fake. Look for the red flags too!*
Seeing the Red Flag
They aren't called red flags for nothing, red means STOP!
If things get serious, remember: Actions speak Louder than Words.
From the little things to the big things: signs you need to dump your relationship.
1) You are the last to know about exciting or bad news. If you are important to them you should be among the first to know.
2) They avoid meeting you family or friends. They should want to meet the people most important to you. Do not shrug it off as being shy, there are deeper problems there.
3) They don’t make sacrifices or compromises. Not the bending over backwards kind, just make sure each other is happy in the selfless union.
4) You can’t picture them in your future. Not seeing them being with you in what you life to do is not a happy ending.
5) They are too controlling. From telling you who you can or cannot see or what you can or cannot wear to little things like having their way
6) They ignore your feelings and just want to focus on how they feel. They treat your feelings like they don’t matter. Your partner should care about how you feel; they should put your feelings above theirs, and treat them as their own.
7) They have no confidence in you. They may treat you like a baby and don’t think you can do things on your own. If you can take care of yourself and you are confident in yourself then it’s hard to keep that when your partner doesn’t respect and acknowledge that and it can wear you down.
8) They criticize you or belittle you or hit you. Even if it is in a joking way, there is always some truth behind jokes, and it is not cool. It’s an exercise of possessiveness, control and ego. Abuse if not an acceptable expression of love.
9) They talk about plans that don’t involve you. Ok if it is a night with just the pals (girls/boys-night only). Vacations, events, social gatherings, etc, should include you if you are important, if not then they don’t see you in their future.
10) Your friends and family don’t like them. They know you best and they aren’t wearing the love goggles so they see things that you maybe blind to see.
11) They violated your trust. Cheating or lying they got caught in it, you might forgive them but you can’t forget it. It’ll be hard to regain the trust, usually once they lose it they can never get it back.
12) Unbalance dating. Relationships are fun when you both are able to contribute. It can fizzle out if only one of you is the only one coming up with fun things to do.
13) They act like they are above other; they will treat you, your family, and your profession as beneath them.
14) They take calls during a date, show that you aren’t a priority and may com in second.
15) His mom is their #1girl, if he brags about her and vacation together, you will have an intrusive mother in law.
16) They talk about how much things cost, it usually means they are insecure. They are either cheap or show offs that are insecure or shallow.
17) Their eye wanders to others or make comments/remarks that another person is hot. If they keep looking at the eye-candy it shows no respect for you and that they are shallow and judgmental.
18) You don’t laugh at the same things or get each other’s jokes. Not being able to laugh through life together can get dull.
19) They don’t allow you to follow your passion/hobbies/interests/ambitions. Life becomes dull without those and you will become less happy with them, yourself, and life. It is immature if they can’t handle separation or workout a way to enjoy it with you.
20) They don’t accept you for who you. Usually happens if you don’t have trait their ex had that you don’t, if they mention it then it usually means they are comparing you to them and you can not stack up to their ex and they are still wanting their ex and you just won’t ever be good enough, even if they mention how great it is that you have a trait they wanted that the ex didn’t have. It’s a box and no happy endings when there is a box you have to fit into.
21) They are dram prone and are high maintenance. If they act extreme or freak out it’s a sign of insecurity. If they expect too much then it’s a sign that material goods are more important than emotional bonding.
22) They remind you of your parents and make you feel like a teenager that can’t take care of yourself. If you live on your own then you know how bad that it, no one wants a parent as a spouse.
23) They carry more emotional baggage than you. Most likely they will start expecting you to help carry that extra baggage. Double Red flag: they ignore yours and never care to help you with your extra baggage.
24) They bring out the worst in you; someone who does that doesn’t have your best interest.
25) They get easily jealous, it shows that they are insecure and untrusting, not a good thing in relationship.
26) They want you to give up all you have established and move away from friends and family just to be with them.
27) They think that you are their world; they depend on you for fulfillment, saying that they will die without you. It is a weakness and you should want a partner that can live without you.
28) They always have to be right and always have to win arguments. They can’t save face and let it go, that has a tendency to lose people’s respect.
29) They try to change you and pressure you to “improve” yourself. There’s a lot of stress with that. Don’t think you need to change for someone, don’t change for someone, if you decide to change or improve yourself make sure it’s for you only. For there is no happy ending when you change for someone.
30) They become angry, vengeful, knight-in-shining-armor when you tell them how another did you wrong, for they can turn that anger and aggression on you.
31) They always underestimate what you can do or can not do and don’t think you can do things on your own. Just like the confidence issue.
32) They talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. They don’t follow through with what they say they’ll do or they go back on their word. Their words don’t match their actions.
33) They use nicknames instead of calling you by your real name, especially the generics ones. When they do that it usually because it’s so they don’t accidentally call you by their ex’s name, and most likely they use it on all their partners.
If things get serious, remember: Actions speak Louder than Words.
From the little things to the big things: signs you need to dump your relationship.
1) You are the last to know about exciting or bad news. If you are important to them you should be among the first to know.
2) They avoid meeting you family or friends. They should want to meet the people most important to you. Do not shrug it off as being shy, there are deeper problems there.
3) They don’t make sacrifices or compromises. Not the bending over backwards kind, just make sure each other is happy in the selfless union.
4) You can’t picture them in your future. Not seeing them being with you in what you life to do is not a happy ending.
5) They are too controlling. From telling you who you can or cannot see or what you can or cannot wear to little things like having their way
6) They ignore your feelings and just want to focus on how they feel. They treat your feelings like they don’t matter. Your partner should care about how you feel; they should put your feelings above theirs, and treat them as their own.
7) They have no confidence in you. They may treat you like a baby and don’t think you can do things on your own. If you can take care of yourself and you are confident in yourself then it’s hard to keep that when your partner doesn’t respect and acknowledge that and it can wear you down.
8) They criticize you or belittle you or hit you. Even if it is in a joking way, there is always some truth behind jokes, and it is not cool. It’s an exercise of possessiveness, control and ego. Abuse if not an acceptable expression of love.
9) They talk about plans that don’t involve you. Ok if it is a night with just the pals (girls/boys-night only). Vacations, events, social gatherings, etc, should include you if you are important, if not then they don’t see you in their future.
10) Your friends and family don’t like them. They know you best and they aren’t wearing the love goggles so they see things that you maybe blind to see.
11) They violated your trust. Cheating or lying they got caught in it, you might forgive them but you can’t forget it. It’ll be hard to regain the trust, usually once they lose it they can never get it back.
12) Unbalance dating. Relationships are fun when you both are able to contribute. It can fizzle out if only one of you is the only one coming up with fun things to do.
13) They act like they are above other; they will treat you, your family, and your profession as beneath them.
14) They take calls during a date, show that you aren’t a priority and may com in second.
15) His mom is their #1girl, if he brags about her and vacation together, you will have an intrusive mother in law.
16) They talk about how much things cost, it usually means they are insecure. They are either cheap or show offs that are insecure or shallow.
17) Their eye wanders to others or make comments/remarks that another person is hot. If they keep looking at the eye-candy it shows no respect for you and that they are shallow and judgmental.
18) You don’t laugh at the same things or get each other’s jokes. Not being able to laugh through life together can get dull.
19) They don’t allow you to follow your passion/hobbies/interests/ambitions. Life becomes dull without those and you will become less happy with them, yourself, and life. It is immature if they can’t handle separation or workout a way to enjoy it with you.
20) They don’t accept you for who you. Usually happens if you don’t have trait their ex had that you don’t, if they mention it then it usually means they are comparing you to them and you can not stack up to their ex and they are still wanting their ex and you just won’t ever be good enough, even if they mention how great it is that you have a trait they wanted that the ex didn’t have. It’s a box and no happy endings when there is a box you have to fit into.
21) They are dram prone and are high maintenance. If they act extreme or freak out it’s a sign of insecurity. If they expect too much then it’s a sign that material goods are more important than emotional bonding.
22) They remind you of your parents and make you feel like a teenager that can’t take care of yourself. If you live on your own then you know how bad that it, no one wants a parent as a spouse.
23) They carry more emotional baggage than you. Most likely they will start expecting you to help carry that extra baggage. Double Red flag: they ignore yours and never care to help you with your extra baggage.
24) They bring out the worst in you; someone who does that doesn’t have your best interest.
25) They get easily jealous, it shows that they are insecure and untrusting, not a good thing in relationship.
26) They want you to give up all you have established and move away from friends and family just to be with them.
27) They think that you are their world; they depend on you for fulfillment, saying that they will die without you. It is a weakness and you should want a partner that can live without you.
28) They always have to be right and always have to win arguments. They can’t save face and let it go, that has a tendency to lose people’s respect.
29) They try to change you and pressure you to “improve” yourself. There’s a lot of stress with that. Don’t think you need to change for someone, don’t change for someone, if you decide to change or improve yourself make sure it’s for you only. For there is no happy ending when you change for someone.
30) They become angry, vengeful, knight-in-shining-armor when you tell them how another did you wrong, for they can turn that anger and aggression on you.
31) They always underestimate what you can do or can not do and don’t think you can do things on your own. Just like the confidence issue.
32) They talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. They don’t follow through with what they say they’ll do or they go back on their word. Their words don’t match their actions.
33) They use nicknames instead of calling you by your real name, especially the generics ones. When they do that it usually because it’s so they don’t accidentally call you by their ex’s name, and most likely they use it on all their partners.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Bed
Sexual arousal triggers surges of feel good neurotransmitter dopamine and hormone oxytocin which stimulates feelings of attachment and love.
Jumping into bed too soon is a mistake people make often because heat and hormones can be mistaken for true affinity.
Waiting to have sex will help in the long run. Take time to get to know the person and take time to connect with them. The more connected you feel, the better the sex will be. It also helps so that you do it for the right reasons. The longer you wait, the clearer your sense of where you stand with your partner. You won’t confuse chemistry with compatibility.
True sexual empowerment is about knowing who you are and knowing what you need to be fulfilled both emotionally and physically.
Jumping into bed too soon can turn things bad. Charming turns to being immature and enthusiasm was just hyperness.
Wrong reasons for sleeping with someone can lead to unhappy endings. When we rush into bed the chances are greater that we find ourselves wanting them more or less than they want us. It can also lead to irreversible consequences. It’s not an issue to take lightly or casually and its heaviness can catch up with you.
Great sex can cloud your judgment. So if you say I love you afterwards that’s just the hormones talking and that isn’t where love is based, that is lust.
It is best to come up with a sexual timing that works best for you, your health, and well-being.
Ask yourself some questions before jumping into bed with someone and keep in mind each time you are with someone you give a piece of your self away.
1) Do you get easily hurt? If so then the best thing is to wait.
2) What if they don’t call you or talk to you again? If the thought of them never talking to you makes you said then it is best to wait. Make sure where you both stand.
3) Is this person worth giving a piece of your self too? Give yourself away too much and you won’t have anything left to give to the person who deserves it.
Look back at all of your past relationships and think of how they went and how you felt. Learn from them and if it didn’t work out take a different approach and make your own rules on love, sex, and relationship.
So many times I’ve let sex cloud my judgment and let the hormones trick me into false feelings of attachment and love, and too many times I let them become too real.
For me, I need a deeper connection and bond, I need to be intimate and make sure I love the person for all that they are and that they love me the same in return for that makes sex great. I will wait and save myself for someone who deserves it; so that way I know it is love and not lust. So when I say I love you and they return that love then I know we have a solid relationship.
"When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.” Oscar Wilde
Jumping into bed too soon is a mistake people make often because heat and hormones can be mistaken for true affinity.
Waiting to have sex will help in the long run. Take time to get to know the person and take time to connect with them. The more connected you feel, the better the sex will be. It also helps so that you do it for the right reasons. The longer you wait, the clearer your sense of where you stand with your partner. You won’t confuse chemistry with compatibility.
True sexual empowerment is about knowing who you are and knowing what you need to be fulfilled both emotionally and physically.
Jumping into bed too soon can turn things bad. Charming turns to being immature and enthusiasm was just hyperness.
Wrong reasons for sleeping with someone can lead to unhappy endings. When we rush into bed the chances are greater that we find ourselves wanting them more or less than they want us. It can also lead to irreversible consequences. It’s not an issue to take lightly or casually and its heaviness can catch up with you.
Great sex can cloud your judgment. So if you say I love you afterwards that’s just the hormones talking and that isn’t where love is based, that is lust.
It is best to come up with a sexual timing that works best for you, your health, and well-being.
Ask yourself some questions before jumping into bed with someone and keep in mind each time you are with someone you give a piece of your self away.
1) Do you get easily hurt? If so then the best thing is to wait.
2) What if they don’t call you or talk to you again? If the thought of them never talking to you makes you said then it is best to wait. Make sure where you both stand.
3) Is this person worth giving a piece of your self too? Give yourself away too much and you won’t have anything left to give to the person who deserves it.
Look back at all of your past relationships and think of how they went and how you felt. Learn from them and if it didn’t work out take a different approach and make your own rules on love, sex, and relationship.
So many times I’ve let sex cloud my judgment and let the hormones trick me into false feelings of attachment and love, and too many times I let them become too real.
For me, I need a deeper connection and bond, I need to be intimate and make sure I love the person for all that they are and that they love me the same in return for that makes sex great. I will wait and save myself for someone who deserves it; so that way I know it is love and not lust. So when I say I love you and they return that love then I know we have a solid relationship.
"When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.” Oscar Wilde
Love to Me
Real true love takes time to build and create. It is like a fine gourmet meal that takes all day to prepare, not 3min in the microwave.
Love is not about status, money, power, career, ambitions or compatibility.
Love is about giving, kindness, warmth, affection, forgiveness, respect, and acceptance.
You accept a person for whom they are, not what you can make them be, and you take them for all their glory and flaws.
You stay by their side through sickness and in health, through richer and poorer. Your love will never fade.
Love is a two way street and a selfless union. It takes hard work and dedication and honesty to have it become something wonderful.
True love doesn’t come by finding the perfect person but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
Love is hard and it is wonderful. I can not wait to find someone who will take the time to build a great loving relationship and that would accept me for who I am and still love me for who I am no matter what.
Love is not about status, money, power, career, ambitions or compatibility.
Love is about giving, kindness, warmth, affection, forgiveness, respect, and acceptance.
You accept a person for whom they are, not what you can make them be, and you take them for all their glory and flaws.
You stay by their side through sickness and in health, through richer and poorer. Your love will never fade.
Love is a two way street and a selfless union. It takes hard work and dedication and honesty to have it become something wonderful.
True love doesn’t come by finding the perfect person but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
Love is hard and it is wonderful. I can not wait to find someone who will take the time to build a great loving relationship and that would accept me for who I am and still love me for who I am no matter what.
Where I learned what Love is
My parents
They were the first ones to love me unconditionally. They had accepted me before I was even born. It didn’t matter what I looked like, they would think I was beautiful. They would always be there for me when I cried and they would forever hold me and let me cry. They would forgive me when I did something wrong. They always encouraged me in what I loved. They taught me to be a good person but never tried to change me. They would be there for me though thick and thin and would never stop loving me.
I also learned a lot about relationships from them. They lived by their wedding vows, through sickness and in health, through richer and poorer, and so on… until death do you part and they had stuck through it and had a hard great relationship, they were each others best friend and they were married for 24years and it would have been 31 but he passed away 7years ago. But I always strive for the type of relationship they had.
God and Jesus
Raised as a Christian I was taught the ways of God and Jesus. He is my Lord and Savior. From him I learned not to see people as a color and to not discriminate against someone just because they are different. So I do not judge people based on their outward appearance and I do not discriminate against someone who is different then me, I am not the one to judge and I will not be the one to judge.
Cats/Pets
Being raised with cats and pets I have also learned to love like they do. They love you unconditionally; the bond they build with an owner is lasting and real. They love you for who you are and do not try to change you. To them it does not matter what you look like or how you dress, as long as you are by their side and feed them they will be there for you. They don't care if you are rich or poor, they will stick by your side. They always treat you the same. They don’t hang on to resentment and they always forgive you time and time again. They sense when you are down and try to cheer you up. They like to keep things light and know that play is important. Humans should strive to copy pets on what a person has to other (love, kindness and warmth). Pets do things we should do more often.
For all of these have taught me that real love comes from within. That they are there for you through thick and thin and would never give hope hope on you and will always love you unconditionally no matter what and that is what I strive to do also.
They were the first ones to love me unconditionally. They had accepted me before I was even born. It didn’t matter what I looked like, they would think I was beautiful. They would always be there for me when I cried and they would forever hold me and let me cry. They would forgive me when I did something wrong. They always encouraged me in what I loved. They taught me to be a good person but never tried to change me. They would be there for me though thick and thin and would never stop loving me.
I also learned a lot about relationships from them. They lived by their wedding vows, through sickness and in health, through richer and poorer, and so on… until death do you part and they had stuck through it and had a hard great relationship, they were each others best friend and they were married for 24years and it would have been 31 but he passed away 7years ago. But I always strive for the type of relationship they had.
God and Jesus
Raised as a Christian I was taught the ways of God and Jesus. He is my Lord and Savior. From him I learned not to see people as a color and to not discriminate against someone just because they are different. So I do not judge people based on their outward appearance and I do not discriminate against someone who is different then me, I am not the one to judge and I will not be the one to judge.
Cats/Pets
Being raised with cats and pets I have also learned to love like they do. They love you unconditionally; the bond they build with an owner is lasting and real. They love you for who you are and do not try to change you. To them it does not matter what you look like or how you dress, as long as you are by their side and feed them they will be there for you. They don't care if you are rich or poor, they will stick by your side. They always treat you the same. They don’t hang on to resentment and they always forgive you time and time again. They sense when you are down and try to cheer you up. They like to keep things light and know that play is important. Humans should strive to copy pets on what a person has to other (love, kindness and warmth). Pets do things we should do more often.
For all of these have taught me that real love comes from within. That they are there for you through thick and thin and would never give hope hope on you and will always love you unconditionally no matter what and that is what I strive to do also.
Intro to Love
Love is often blind when the electrifying sparks start flying. Then later as the hormones calm down, the fireworks run dim, and the smoke clears, you wonder is it love or lust.
Lust has to do with hormones and is instant and intense and usually ends as quickly as it began.
What is love, well that is complicated. We all have different views on what it is, so how do we know if we are right or wrong, we don’t, we go by how we feel.
Some people believe that love is instant and you will know they are the one the moment you meet them but others believe that is lust and that real love takes time.
In the book Kiss My Tiara by Susan Jane Gilman; she goes over a fairy tale myths: Fairy Tale #6 –True love is instant, you will know it the minute you see the person. –Nope, trust, communication and kindness take time to unveil and build.
So to that I say love is not a CupNoodle.
I once had a friend tell me what they though about love and I agreed with it. She told me that she makes more money, has more ambitions, more hobbies, and etc then her guy. That she does not need him but she wants him and those things do not matter since there are other reasons she is with him. They don’t have much in common but there is enough that keeps them wanting to stay together. Now they are engaged and she’s moving overseas to be with him. She is in the air force reserves and works for Boeing and he works at Costco in Japan. I wish the best for them!
Love isn’t about being completely compatible with each other. You don’t have to be completely compatible to live happily ever after; you learn to respect each other and their differences and learn to coexist. You accept a person for all their glory and flaws. You let them be them and support them anyway you can. That is love.
Real love is a two way street, if you feel like it's a one way and you are getting zero back then that is not love, but lust.
The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of.
Joys of Singlehood
So you are partner-less, that doesn’t mean you have to be miserable. Make the most out of being single. Learn about yourself again, explore opportunities, and do things you didn’t have time for while you had someone attached to your hip.
Live your life on your terms. Pursue interests that were on the back burner. Travel, take a class, and get on self-improvement kick.
Be a sexy free agent and flirt around a party without worrying about pissing off a watchful partner. Those guilt-free, ego-boosting moments that makes being single great. Revel in those opportunities and couples will envy you.
It is not sad or pathetic to be partner-less, we are not brainwashed to believe it’s unbearable. You are your own boss to do as you please.
Take the time to know you and establish your individualism. Learn to love yourself and be a complete person by yourself.
I’m sure if you have been through a bad breakup that made you feel like you had to be someone you aren’t to please the person that you are feeling like you can’t be loved for who you are. So it’s important to take time for yourself and learn to love yourself for who you are. There is nothing wrong with you, you are wonderful and great in your own way, and if that person couldn’t see it and accept that, then good riddance. So pick that chin up and take time for yourself and I’m sure you’ll be happier.
Look at being single as a chance to be more daring. You are never too old to become more daring.
If we never take risks, we never fall, we never learn, and we don’t progress. Being able to be daring lets you experience the full feelings of being a human.
Daring means following your dreams and passion, being curious about the world, stepping out of routine and finding adventure. By feeling your fear and doing it anyways you gain more confidence. Learn a new skill because it feels good.
If you are feeling down remember your childhood and what made you happy and remember the things you loved. Go back to your roots and indulge your inner child by getting back to things you did as a kid.
Why I choose to be single
1) For all the reasons above
2) I love my life and what I have built and created for myself. I’m happy and content.
3) I do not need anyone to validate me; I know my worth. Plus most of the time the guy will take that away.
4) I’m too busy with family, jobs and my hobbies. I follow my passion wherever it might take me.
5) I do not need anyone to make me feel shiny and new; I feel like a gem already. Plus, again, most of the time guys can make you feel like a pile of shit and I don’t need that or want that.
6) My faith, hope, and trust is with God.
7) Friends are more important to have.
8) And oh so many many many other reasons too.
My life has been happier without a male at my side. I have less stress and no panic attacks. I’m happy that I am my own boss and can do as I please without having to worry about someone else. I’m independent and only relaying on myself. After all I’ve put up with in my relationships, I was not happy or satisfied, and it just ended in heartache anyways. I would like to settle down but trying to find a good partner who can respect me and has the same views as me is very hard. But I have faith, hope and trust in God to bring me a partner that I could settle down with for after all I would love to settle down with just one person. But for now I’m having fun being my own boss, following my passion, learning and embracing all of me, being daring, and I’m making the most out of being single and I am in love with it!
Live your life on your terms. Pursue interests that were on the back burner. Travel, take a class, and get on self-improvement kick.
Be a sexy free agent and flirt around a party without worrying about pissing off a watchful partner. Those guilt-free, ego-boosting moments that makes being single great. Revel in those opportunities and couples will envy you.
It is not sad or pathetic to be partner-less, we are not brainwashed to believe it’s unbearable. You are your own boss to do as you please.
Take the time to know you and establish your individualism. Learn to love yourself and be a complete person by yourself.
I’m sure if you have been through a bad breakup that made you feel like you had to be someone you aren’t to please the person that you are feeling like you can’t be loved for who you are. So it’s important to take time for yourself and learn to love yourself for who you are. There is nothing wrong with you, you are wonderful and great in your own way, and if that person couldn’t see it and accept that, then good riddance. So pick that chin up and take time for yourself and I’m sure you’ll be happier.
Look at being single as a chance to be more daring. You are never too old to become more daring.
If we never take risks, we never fall, we never learn, and we don’t progress. Being able to be daring lets you experience the full feelings of being a human.
Daring means following your dreams and passion, being curious about the world, stepping out of routine and finding adventure. By feeling your fear and doing it anyways you gain more confidence. Learn a new skill because it feels good.
If you are feeling down remember your childhood and what made you happy and remember the things you loved. Go back to your roots and indulge your inner child by getting back to things you did as a kid.
Why I choose to be single
1) For all the reasons above
2) I love my life and what I have built and created for myself. I’m happy and content.
3) I do not need anyone to validate me; I know my worth. Plus most of the time the guy will take that away.
4) I’m too busy with family, jobs and my hobbies. I follow my passion wherever it might take me.
5) I do not need anyone to make me feel shiny and new; I feel like a gem already. Plus, again, most of the time guys can make you feel like a pile of shit and I don’t need that or want that.
6) My faith, hope, and trust is with God.
7) Friends are more important to have.
8) And oh so many many many other reasons too.
My life has been happier without a male at my side. I have less stress and no panic attacks. I’m happy that I am my own boss and can do as I please without having to worry about someone else. I’m independent and only relaying on myself. After all I’ve put up with in my relationships, I was not happy or satisfied, and it just ended in heartache anyways. I would like to settle down but trying to find a good partner who can respect me and has the same views as me is very hard. But I have faith, hope and trust in God to bring me a partner that I could settle down with for after all I would love to settle down with just one person. But for now I’m having fun being my own boss, following my passion, learning and embracing all of me, being daring, and I’m making the most out of being single and I am in love with it!
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