DBP Chapter Three

*I do rewrite the way some of this is written since she writes it in first person or may talk about someone else. I know this is meant for women but I think the same can be true for men. Men can be this way too and there are lessons that I know some men need to learn also.*

Don't Bet On the Prince by Dr.Gilda Carle
Chapter Three
Ask for What You Need and Believe You Deserve to Get It
Gilda-Gram: What we believe we deserve is what we receive.
Anatomy of a Will-Be Women: They have it all. They use hard times to reinvest in themselves. Directed by personal goals and are not affected by others’ attitudes. They don’t sit around shivering in the winter; they go skiing. Men of quality love these women.
Anatomy of a Wanna-Be Woman: They want to be like the Will-Be Women. Instead of self-improvement they complain and stay as they are. They feel helpless in controlling their own lives. They dispense cynicism, pessimism, or hopelessness to everyone they meet. Men with little to offer want Wanna-Be Women.
Needy women believe that they either don’t deserve any love or don’t deserve quality love from a quality guy, they usually attract men who are abusive, distant, or unavailable.
Gilda-Gram: People attract people like themselves.
*Wasn't much to say here, it should explain it’s self. But also often I know I attract people the opposite of myself too, but when that happens and they aren’t the kind of people that are like me, then I cut the ties, and sadly too often since people are afraid to be themselves, I find out too late. So if you are depressed and emotionally unstable you’ll attract that kind of person, if you are happy and optimistic you’ll attract those kinds of people and then some!*
Gilda-Gram: When something happens to us, it really happens to us.
Pain pushes us to open our eyes. Cut out the thing that makes you unhappy and you will discover freedom, independence and a belief that you deserve to be happy. When we are pushed to the brink, we draw from strengths we never knew we had. Realize that you do not need a man to take you where your soul is hiding. Learn to stand on your own two feet before you think of coupling, so that you can attract a better man.
Will-Be women differentiate needs from wants, they’ve set their priorities and believe they deserve to receive what they should have.
Before we seek a soul mate, we must first unearth our soul. First discover what you need. Second determine what you want and learn how to ask for it. Third project that we deserve to get what we believe we should have. Our needs motivate us, we need to survive.
Many women think they need a close relationship when they really only want a close relationship.
Gilda-Gram: If you don’t know what you need, you won’t get what you want.
Many of us confuse our needs and wants. Our needs program what we require to sustain ourselves and demand fulfillment. Like when we are hungry our body tells us we need to eat. But what we decide to eat is based on our wants. If a steak isn’t available we might settle for a bag of pretzels. Our want would not be fulfilled but our need would be and we still go on. Needs are what you must have to survive. Wants are what you prefer to have to feel good. Want can often be so strong that it mimic’s need. You must be aware of it to conquer it.
Depending on a man for things we can do for ourselves gives women a false sense of security and it makes us needy. A woman must understand that she can survive without being in a relationship. Having a man is a luxury than a necessity.
Asking for what we want is a problem for most because there is fear of being denied, being too aggressive, or that we won’t be liked. In fear of losing the person we think we need we hold our tongues about issues. Every woman is responsible to share her wants. If she doesn’t, she is setting herself up for continued disappointment and letting him get what he needs and wants.
When you do not express your needs and wants you do not communicate honestly. Buried feelings don’t just disappear and they show up in other ways. Many people believe they don’t deserve to get what they need or want. We have our own unique deserve level and that measures what we get from life. We create for ourselves exactly what we believe we deserve to get, nothing more, and nothing less. Your deserve level is the electrical wiring that delineates your boundaries and commands respect. It lets people know where you stand so that they can determine where they stand in relation to you. When you send messages that you are deserving people unwittingly treat you as you are “telling” them to.
A strong deserve level is necessary in seeking a partner and sustaining a relationship.
Gilda-Gram: What we accept, we teach.
After you assess your deserve level, evaluate your willingness to place yourself as number one. In society that stresses that women are nurturers this might be seen as selfish. What most women learn growing up is that if they do not play down their needs and wants they won’t be loved or they will be left. Selfish is an ugly word and makes people react defensively. It’s destructive because it then validates it and the cycle goes round and round. When you ignore your feelings for your partners makes you become selfless and then they walk all over you. The behavior we accept from others is the way we train them to continue to behave towards us. By not putting our foot down immediately upon being slighted teaches our partner that they can continue their foul behavior and they think it’s alright since we don’t say otherwise. It must be nipped in the bud as soon as you sense it.
Gilda-Gram: Project a strong shell with a soft shell.
Practice telling yourself how great you are, real expression of your soul, the genuine and authentic representation of who you really are. The nervous system cannot tell the difference between what is real and what is imagined. So fake it till you make it real.
Gilda-Gram: Eventually your outer mask becomes your inner soul.
The more often you praise yourself, the more you will raise your deserver level, and the more comfortable you will be in stating your needs and wants. When we run from our honesty we attract men who aren’t honest about themselves.

*You have to love yourself in order to have loved returned. Be honest and true with yourself and never hide who you are. Loving yourself is not about being vain but accepting who you are for better or for worse. Embrace all of who you are. Don’t be narcissistic about it, just be humble about it. No one is perfect and no will ever be, but you are fine just he way you are. After all how do you expect someone to love you if you don’t love yourself? Don’t eve be afraid to be yourself, if they can’t love you for who you are then it’s their loss and they don’t deserve you.**